I have started to write an entry a few times, but have not gotten anywhere. I talk to myself all the time and it sounds like a blog entry, but when I sit to write on here nothing comes to mind that makes any sense!
Lately, I have been thinking alot about the big picture. Sometimes that's positive, and sometimes it's not! Some days I feel like I am in an O.K. spot. Even though I am not where I want to be I remember where I was and know I am in a much better spot. I appreciate the work I have done. Other days I feel like I have gone backwards and am so disappointed in myself. I feel like I will never make it to my goal. I forget where I was and how far I have come and just feel really bad about myself.
I have also been comparing my trial to the trials of others. I think about those that struggle with going to church. They go through periods where they go really good for a while, then something happens that derails them for a while. They may not be there for weeks or months. They probably have a really good plan to keep them coming to church. But sometimes even with the best plan things don't always go like we want them to. I am sure they feel like I often feel, guilty for not doing as good as they planned. They feel discouraged that it's so hard and that it takes so much effort.
I remind myself that I am not the only one that has a daily struggle with something. Today at Home Depot a really sweet girl checked us out. It was clear she has some physical handicaps that would make it hard for her to do some of the everyday things I do and take for granted. At the same Home Depot there was a Little Person. I know from close friends that are Little People the struggles they go through every day. One day I was running on a trail and was hating it! Then I ran past a young man sitting by the water in a wheelchair. I thought to myself that he would love to be able to go running, and was ashamed of myself for wishing I wasn't running. We have a dear friend that is our age and has been diagnosed with MS. I have another that suffers from depression. We all have trials that we have to work on EVERY DAY. I am not the only one. It just feels like it sometimes when I let myself get into the "depths of despair" (that's from Anne of Green Gables....one of my favorite series when I was younger)!
So why do I let a less-than-perfect food choice make my mood go from sunny to cloudy in an instant? Why do I let it effect me so much? Why do I have lots of what I would call 'perfectly on plan' days and then just slip up? Why do I still see those things as slip ups when I can have anything on program? Even if I have too much I have extra points to draw from and activity points to draw from. I just have to be accountable to myself about what I ate and I am still on plan! I know that for the first year on plan that I lost 100 lbs I was a weight loss wonder woman. I was able to stay on plan for every day and every situation. I firmly believe and know that I had help from my Heavenly Father to do that. If I had not lost that amount and seen my life change, I would not be fighting to keep going like I have been for this last year! I know I am still being helped, but am being allowed to have these trials to learn from them to be able to get to my goal and to be able to make life time changes.
I think part of my problem is that I compare my today to that first year when I was able to do things I have not been able to do before or since. Does that make sense? It's like I have an unrealistic expectation of myself now. I know logically that I can't expect myself to never partake of anything that is 'fun food'. I can't expect that I will be able to overcome EVERY temptation EVERY time. But I feel like I should, so when I do enjoy something, even when I count it, I feel like I let myself down. I have to STOP that! I need to see that when I have something I deem not part of my regular eating plan, that the world does not end. I don't have to go from sunny to cloudy. I just have to practice portion control, be accountable for the points, and keep going. It's all part of the plan! It's part of the plan because it's a lifestyle. It's not realistic to think you will always be able to eat only lean dairy, lean protein, fruits and veggies.
That is my #1 mental roadblock. Having something and being in control and on program. But later or the next day feeling like all is lost and making more bad choices. It's all mental and something I have to work really hard to be better at.
So...that's where I have been at. I have good days and bad days. My Mom said something that made alot of sense to me. She said just like someone who has a chronic illness, there are good days or good periods, and there are bad days or bad periods. You just keep working through it. This is definitely a chronic condition that I have to work at every day.
I need to be accountable to you again and report my weigh-ins every week. I will report next week, Wednesday July 6th. Hold me to it, okay?
I am also going to make it a goal this week to keep track on everything, even if I didn't plan to have it. I will track it, even if it comes from my extra points and know in my mind I am still on plan. I will practice that this week and tell you how I feel next week when I report my weigh-in!
Interesting quote:
More die in the United States of too much food than too little.
John Kenneth Galbraith
John Kenneth Galbraith
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