Good day!

It's late but I want to report my day. It was really good. I didn't eat any sugar! I didn't drink any pop! I did drink 3 liters of water!  I am planning on same thing tomorrow...but one mug!

Good night!

Mentally Ready

I don't need to do another post on how I am feeling right now and how hard this is.  My last post made it pretty clear.  The question is, what am I going to do about it?

DETOX.

It starts tomorrow December 28th. 

I physically rejoined Weight Watchers after the miscarriage.  I am now rejoining it again MENTALLY.  I have reached the point that I know I must regain control now.  I don't feel the overwhelming feeling of 'impossible' like I have been.  My weight is a chronic condition.  I have several of those. My asthma.  My Churg Strauss.  The Hyper-Esinophilia they are pretty sure I have.  My weight.  All of these conditions have flare-ups where they are really bad and out of control.  They also go through long periods of being totally under control making me forget I even have them. 

I have been in a state of 'out of control' with all of the above maladies lately.  I am working to get them all back under control, including my weight. 

So Detox.  What does that mean?  It means NO SUGAR!  I am going to Weight Watchers tomorrow to face the scale and have the meeting motivate me even more.  It's like the Sacrament Meeting of the weight loss world.  We need it every week.  I also have my menu planned out with lots of lean protein, fruits, veggies, etc.  All the standard 'good' foods that I have avoided lately.  And...no Diet Mountain  Dew.  At least for tomorrow.  I am not trying to totally give it up.  I am not asking for that much control!  I do however need to cut back and have my one mug and not more.  If you've seen my mug, you know that should be plenty!   But tomorrow my goal is to drink three liters of water.  I need to flush myself out. 

That's it.  It sounds simple.  But it's not.  I know the next five or so days will be hard.  No, H A R D.  The sugar monsters will start whispering in my ear about 10am saying, "just start tomorrow", "it's not so bad to just have some", "you know you will give in eventually."  By late afternoon they will be screaming in my ear, "GIVE ME SUGAR!"  If I decide to decide tomorrow I have no hope of making it.  But I have already decided NO SUGAR.  I have gathered all the stocking candy from the boys stockings and put them in bags that I can't see through.  When they want a piece they can get it.  I don't have to touch it.  I got Nick's together and am sending it work with him.  He can keep it there and eat on it for the next 3 months.  (That is where we are so different!)  I have gotten the other stuff from the fridge that I know nobody will eat but me.  I have what I need for breakfast and a list for the grocery store to get me stocked with good food. 

I am armed and ready to go.  I will let you know tomorrow how Detox Day #1 went.  But I already know what I will report...a great day.  I am ready sugar monsters.  Bring it on! 

Stop.

STOP!

You have to STOP!

There will NEVER be enough!
Your hunger-
Your need-
Your craving-
Your rush-
Your addiction...

It can never be satisfied
It can never be quieted
It can never be full
It can never be DONE!

You will ALWAYS want-
M O R E !

There will always be a feeling of
Despair
Desperation
Hopelessness
Frustration
Sadness
Anger

You will just keep getting
Bigger

Bigger

Bigger!

You are sick.


UNLESS-

You STOP NOW!

STOP feeding the addiction
STOP the cycle of sadness
STOP the feelings of can't
STOP hiding behind the excuses
STOP acting with reckless abandon
STOP saying yes to yourself
STOP being selfish
STOP wishing you could fix it
STOP wanting but not doing
STOP pretending you're okay
STOP taking bad care of your husband's wife
STOP taking bad care of your childrens' mother
STOP taking bad care of your parents daughter
STOP taking bad care of Heavenly Father's daughter

STOP!

STOP!

STOP!

Just STOP NOW!

Can you hear me?

I am deep inside of you
SCREAMING
for you to
STOP!

Begging...for you to stop!

Pleading...please stop.


Stop?

Why?

I have stopped before.

Stopped the madness
Thought I found the way
The true way
To the end...

Thought I have found the
Change
Growth
Strength
Will

I thought-
I believed.

But no-
I always ended at the same
Hurdle
Roadblock
Dead End.

Found my way back up
And more...
Always more.
Always higher.
Always sadder.

So why now?

Why again?

Why?

Because-
Because you know
You know within yourself
This is not you

This is not the person you are
This is not-
The girl
The daughter
The woman
The wife
The mother
That you are in your heart
In your soul

This is not the person
You want to be
That you can be-
That you are.

Because you know-
VERY deep inside
That you are
STRONG
Brave
Capable
Able
Deserving
Worthy
of reaching your goal
of overcoming demons

The demons that consume-
Your mind
Your body
Your spirit.
The demons of addiction.

Because you know
Your husband deserves
The woman he married

Because you know
Your boys deserve
The best
The healthiest
The happiest Mother.

Because you know
you deserve-
To keep a promise
      to yourself
To meet a goal you set
       a very long time ago
To prove to yourself
       you CAN.

Because you know
DEEP down
VERY deep down
Inside
You know-
You believe-

Or you would not
Be listening to the screaming
Rising out of your inner self.

You would not even  hear
the pleading, the begging
Anymore
If you did not
Believe.

Silence the screams...
Stop the pleading.

I Almost Forgot!

I am getting in bed and remembered I didn't post today. So real quick...I did have a good day. I ate 35 points so I used 1 of my weekly extra allowance. I exercised and drank my water.  I will do a better post tomorrow.

And by the way...I found a blogger app and I am posting from my phone! Soo cool!

First Daily Report

I have to leave for work in 30 minutes.  I am not going to want to blog at 1:30am when I get home so I want to report my day really fast.

First of all, Sundays are always hard!  When we get home from church everyone is so hungry and I have been snacking while making everyone lunch.  I would have a whole meal worth of points before I even had my meal.  Today I knew I would do that if I didn't have a plan.  Especially since it was fast Sunday.  I came home and got some lowfat ranch and carrots and ate that while I made lunch.  It was a success!  And if I didn't know I had to write this blog I know I would not have put forth the effort.  I would have said, "Tomorrow...I will start tomorrow."  But I didn't and I am so glad.

So here is what I ate:

Carrots and lf ranch   2
tomato soup w/ 1/2c ff milk   6
15 saltines   6

peanuts   4

ww lasagna 10
lettuce with poms, Gorgonzola cheese  1
2 T lf ranch   2

1 pc 2% cheese   1
apple   0

FF/SF pudding 1c   3
cream cheese   2
lowfat cool whip  2

apple   0

Total points used:  39

I have 34 daily points to use
I used 5 from my weekly extra points so I have 44 of those left for the week

Well....I know this is a really boring post but it really helped me.  Tomorrow I will give you the recipe for the lasagna I made.  It's my FAVORITE and so EASY and so GOOD!

Bye!

I Can Choose

It is midnight.  I am sitting in the dark.  The only light is coming from the Christmas tree and the lights on the nativity.  I need to go to bed.  I want to go to bed.  But something is driving me to at least start a post right now. 

I have not written in a very long time.  My last post was the end of June.  It was a day or so before I found out I was pregnant.  You can't go to Weight Watchers when you are pregnant.  So I stopped my membership and worked to continue doing good to minimize the weight gain.  I kept the low impact exercise going and was pretty good with my eating.  There was nothing to blog about really and I was preoccupied so I let this blog sit empty.  At my 14 week appointment I think I was up only about a pound. 

Most of you know that this story does not have a happy ending.  We found out the baby no longer had a heartbeat on October 5th.  I was 18 weeks.  As you can imagine that has been a very hard trial to go through.  Unfortunately, I did not turn to salad and exercise for comfort.  I just ate whatever I wanted.  I didn't care about the consequences at that time.  I just wanted to feed the sadness.  I did that for a few weeks.  Then around November I knew I had to regain control and keep going with my life.  I went back to Weight Watchers.  I started exercising again.  But here we are in December and I am really struggling still. 
 
I have NOT mentally been focused like I need to be.  Part of the problem is that I feel 'dogpiled' on.  Now, I have to insert a disclaimer.  Because I know when I type this that my trials seem like nothing to some other people.  I know others have much more devastating and difficult trials.  I know I am blessed and thankful for all that I have.  But in my little sphere of this life my difficulties are difficult for me.  They feel overwhelming and impossible for me in the world that I know.  By 'dogpile' I mean there are several areas that are really hard right now and it feels like more keep coming.  There is the obvious lifelong weight problem, then losing the baby, the constant financial stress of an extra house in UT,  and now I am having some issues with my health.  My asthma got really bad and we have found I have some auto-immune syndromes that can be dangerous if not treated.  We are still in the 'doing a million tests' phase to get a final diagnosis.  I am going to about three different Dr.'s and test a week.  But they do know that I will be on prednisone steroids for the rest of my life.

So in my mind I suddenly feel hopeless.  I feel like it's a battle I can't fight anymore.  I just suddenly got  S O  t i r e d.  Tired of it being on my mind EVERY second.  Tired of the constant fight to make a right choice EVERY time a choice was before me.  Tired of the constant negative feelings about myself.  You have to understand that Satan uses my struggle with food to pull me down in other areas of my life.  When my eating is not in control, the rest of my life feels out of control too.  Satan knows that and takes advantage of it.  I just feel like I am looking up a hill that is just too big to climb.  I can't see over it.  All I see is a lifelong struggle....no FIGHT with my weight.  Then I feel a hard trial placed on me that is driving me to do the thing I have done all my life....eat for comfort.  Then I feel medical conditions and medicines I will always be on that my Dr. tells me is only going to make this fight harder.  All of these things feel so heavy.  They feel so heavy that they make the other everyday things that I can normally handle feel like too much now.  All the normal tasks to keep a house running, my church calling, and now the Holidays. 

But there is the other side of my head that is paralyzed with fear of what happens when I am too tired and really just give up.  I am so scared of what the outcome will be if I don't get this under control again.  I am so scared I can't even act right now.

48 Hours Later......

Now it is 10:24pm.  I am sitting in the dark.  The only light is from the Christmas tree and the Nativity.  I just reread what I wrote two days ago.  I needed to express all that.  I still feel all those things.  But..I have had 48 more hours to think about how I am feeling.  All of the trials I am facing right now are out of my control.  I can't control that we lost a baby.  And even though we have gone through the grieving process and are living our life, there is still sadness.  I still think that this week I would have been 26 weeks.  I have good friends with tiny newborns that I am so happy for, but it's still hard when I hold them.  I have relatives and friends that are pregnant and I am so happy for them, but it's still hard to talk about it with them when I should still be pregnant too.  There are just times something will trigger it and there are tears.  That will happen for a while.  It will be the hardest until March when we would have had it.  But I can't go on an eating binge every time I am hurting.  I can't help that I have asthma and other auto-immune problems.  It is out of my control.  I have to just work with the Dr.'s to get an accurate diagnosis so we can treat it properly.  I can't help that the lady that was in our home went psycho and decided to be dishonest and deceitful.  I can't change others actions. 

But I can decide what to eat.  My weight is the only trial that I actually have the power to change.  It doesn't feel like I have the power right now.  I feel powerless.  But in that little part of my brain that I can still think with some logic, I know that I can change it. 

But will I?

I will. 

I have to.

I will NOT go back to this:

I have gained back some weight.  I feel like this picture but I am not this picture again..yet.  If I keep going like I am, I will be.  That is why I am committing to this blog again.  I need this blog to put all the positive and negative thoughts and feelings down so they don't just fester in my head.  I need the support all of you give to me!

So I need a game plan.  At Weight Watchers that is called your Winning Outcome.  You are supposed to state what you want to accomplish in a positive way with specific steps you can take to achieve it.  Here it goes:

I will stay on the Weight Watchers Plan no matter the Situation or Emotion I am Feeling. 

I will do this by:

-Attending my WW meeting every week

-Tracking my food every day

-Getting my exercise 4-5 days a week

-Drinking my water every day

-Not having any "stinkin thinkin"

-Remember that there are no off limits food.  There are just choices to make as you budget your food points.  BITE IT AND WRITE IT and you are still on plan.

-Anchoring: when I'm having a tough moment I touch an object that can remind me of my goals.  My Anchor is my wedding ring.  I always have it on.  When I touch it it reminds me of my family and that I want to be healthy for them and I want to be healthy so we can have another baby.

-Blog every day what I ate - I think to myself why do that to yourself.  I am already busy.  But I need to take that time for me to focus on my weight journey and keep myself focused on it.  I have to take that time for me.  At least for now I need to check in quickly every day and report what I tracked for my food.  Right now one of my biggest hurdles is that I wake up determined to do good.  Then something triggers an absolute amnesia that I am working to eat good and I lose all sight of my goals as the bad food choice goes in my mouth.  If I know I have to write what I eat on this blog...it should help to eliminate that amnesia.   

-Read my scriptures every day.  I have to use every tool to keep Satan from being able to influence me.  Food is how he hurts me and brings me down.  With this Winning Outcome and the help of better scripture study, I can be in a better state of mind.

 I know from the countless other times I have felt like I feel right now, that after just a couple days on plan I will feel so much better both physically and mentally.  I already feel more in control just having a plan written out.  I know someone who is reading this feels like I do.  Get out the paper and write your own Winning Outcome. You can do this too. 

As I reread this post I am reminded what a little time can do.  Usually those feelings of total hopelessness don't last too long.  After 48 hours of thinking about all of this I am in a much better mental state than I was.  I need to remember that the next time those feeling seem overwhelming.  I know there will be a next time.  There always is!

I'll be back tomorrow with a report of the day!  Goodnight!