Fudge is G-o-o-d!

On Christmas Eve WW still had the noon weigh in and meeting. It was a small crowd...just 4 of us! I am glad I went to help me stay focused for the hardest days for me yet...Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day!

The best present that I got was:

-2.6 lbs this week
-70 lbs - total lost!

Losing 70 lbs by Christmas really is the BEST gift I could have ever given myself! What a difference it makes! I basically lost the equivalent of my two sons. Lukas and Slade together weigh around 70 lbs! It's hard to carry one of them at a time, and almost impossible to carry them both at the same time! How did I function 70 lbs heavier? No wonder it was so hard to do anything! I can't even imagine how I will feel when I reach my ultimate goal!

+

+

=

Ugg.

Now, I mentioned earlier that Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day would be the hardest days for me. And they were! My Mom sent fudge and we had other goodies in the house all week. By Wed. night I was L O N G I N G for some fudge! I just wanted to eat some fudge. I told myself I just have to wait until I weigh in, and then I can have my 'relaxed holiday time' and enjoy some then.

It was SOOOOOOOOO good! Between that night and Christmas Day I got plenty of fudge for the year! I did have plenty of treats and yummy meals. I didn't eat everything I looked at and so fast that I didn't taste it! That's an improvement over last year. I wrote down some of what I ate later in the day, but I didn't figure points. I knew I was in the negative! Some 'Old Karly' thoughts tried to creep in. The main feeling I had at one point is "Great. Now the 70 lbs you've lost doesn't mean a thing!" I started to feel like the really fat girl again. But I stopped myself quickly with a "Whoa! Just because you had some holiday food ON Christmas does not negate anything you have done the last 4 months! You did not gain 70 lbs back in one day! In fact, how do you plan to keep this off if you never allow yourself to have anything! You will not make it. So relax. You have enjoyed so don't panic now. You are fine. "

That helped. And now that that was few days ago, I have proved to myself that I can enjoy a day and not ruin everything! I got right back on the plan Saturday and had an hour workout where I burned over a thousand calories. In the OLD DAYS I would have been on a binge from Thanksgiving to New Years, and then it would take until Valentines until I started to think that maybe I should get in control.

My plan this week is to exercise a little longer each day, and be VERY careful with the carbs! My goal this week is to NOT GAIN. I am not planning on or hoping for a loss. I just want to maintain the 70 lbs. I am nervous but am trying to stay calm. Stress does not help you lost weight so I don't want to stress myself out. No matter what happens at the next weigh in, I am so proud of how I have handled this Holiday Season!

Found What I Didn't Know Was Lost!

I found something this week that I didn't even know was lost!

At my heaviest weight there were plenty of areas I was very self conscience of. Nobody saw my legs. My stomach had to be covered with a long shirt. Though, seriously, I was hiding nothing! Then a few days I ago I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day, when I saw a strange, hard bulge on my neck! Nick was in the bathroom too and I said, "What's that?" In the instant after I said that I screamed,

"It's my COLLAR BONE! I can see my Collar Bone! Look Nick! Look at my collar bone!!!"

I had never realized I couldn't see it, but the second I did see it, I knew I have not seen it for a very long time! That is an NSV --- Non Scale Victory! So I looked at an old picture and a new picture taken a couple weeks ago to see if I could tell in a picture. Sure enough:

Besides the collar bone excitement, I did weigh in.

-3.6 lbs

Total lost: -67.4

I got my 65 lb star!

I was thrilled to lose again! It feels so good to reach another mini milestone and get my 65 lb star, and I am not too far from 7olbs! That just blows my mind! I AM DOING IT! The consistent planning, making smart choices, and exercise are paying off! It is especially rewarding during the Holiday Season. This is usually when I would easily gain another 10 lbs...easily!

Which brings me to what I have been thinking about this week (besides my collar bone -- he he!) One of the reasons I wanted to stay home for Christmas this year (besides work schedules) was so I could be more in control of my 'eating environment'. I just don't want to get de-railed and be where I have no control of what kinds of food I am given or that are made. Losing weight is hard by itself, harder during the Holidays, and dangerously hard when totally out of your own element! So I am thankful to be able to control it more this season, though we will miss being with family! That being said, I also don't want to punish my family in the name of my weight loss! So I made a plan of how I could handle these things.

Ever since I started, not just during the Holiday, my weight in day of Thursday is the day I have a treat and am a little more relaxed. I know it's important to keep that "I'm so deprived" monster away. If I never have anything that I crave or sweets, I know from experience I will crack one day and go off the deep end on a binge. That's why Thursday is the day I bake cookies for the family, or rice crispy treats, etc. so they can have a treat for the week. I eat some too and don't feel bad about it. Thursday is also pancake night. My boys LOVE them and were always wanting them, but they are really tempting to me and hard not to eat. So we have them on Thursdays and I have some without guilt. I keep track of my points still, but will use some of the extra we are allowed to use during the week.

I am using this same philosophy to get me through the Holidays. We made sugar cookies on a Thursday when I could taste the frosting and have a cookie or two. We also have Christmas candy in some of our holiday decorations. I don't have any during the week, but on Thursday I had a few pieces. Today my friend gave me huge platter of delicious baked goods! They are staying wrapped until Nick gets to them. I will have him save me a piece of fudge I will eat Thursday. Nick does love fudge, so thankfully my Mom is sending him some so I didn't have to make it. Thanks Mom!

This week will be fine. I am a little worried about the next week that starts on Christmas Eve. I am making our traditional Christmas Eve dinner of Lumpia, and then we also have a big Christmas day ham dinner. So I will have to really plan out my food and decide what I am going to eat before the meals. I can have some of everything. And the meal itself is usually not the problem...it's all the leftovers that call to me the rest of the week! But I did not fall prisoner to the Thanksgiving leftovers, so that gives me confidence in making it through Christmas leftovers, too!

What I have to prove to myself this season is that I can enjoy all of my favorites, I can enjoy all of the parties and festivities, and still be in control! If I do have a treat, I am fine with it as long as I decide to eat it...and I track the point value! The mental state of the decision is everything. Impulse --- bad. Conscience Choice --- good.

“Victory belongs to the most persevering.”

~Napoleon Bonaparte

Perseverance is what we talked about in our WW meeting last week. It is exactly what I have to have to continue on my journey through this Holiday! I love this quote. I will persevere and I will have my victory!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Merry Christmas!

Stars

I had another good week and I hope everyone else did too!

I weighed in and the results are:

-4 lbs

Total Lost: -63.8 lbs

I was really surprised! After a bigger loss of 5 lbs last week, I usually have a smaller one the next week! So 4 lbs was very exciting! It also put me over the 60 lb mark! I got my 60 lb star and am only 1.8 lbs from my 65 lb star!

What star? That's what you're thinking, right?

At the WW meetings there are awards you can earn.

The most common one is the 5lb star!

You get this little star every time you lose another 5 lbs. They are just a small star with a 5 on it but I LOVE to get them! Each 5 lbs is my mini goal and I really love reaching that and then getting the star to celebrate!

They give you a book mark to keep them on. Mine is on the fridge so I can see the success I am having at all times! It's a great reminder, especially when opening the fridge!

There are other longer term goals to work toward too. The first goal when you join is 5% of your weight. That is the big star you see on my book mark. The next goal is 10% of your body weight. When you reach that you get a key chain.

The key chain

There are disks to add to your key chain.

I got the 25 lb disk when I had lost 25 lbs.

I also got the 50 lb disk

The next disk I am working for is the 75 lb disk and then the 100 lb disk. I am not sure what awards are after that.

These awards are all small but mean so much to me! I guess it's just something to hold in my hand that represents that accomplishment. I have such a large amount of weight to lose, these mini 5 lb star goals really keep me focused on the immediate 5 lb goal. It can be easy to look ahead to all I have left and get discouraged. That's why right now I don't have an exact number to get to. I know I have over 100 lbs to lose, but right now I am just looking at 5 lbs at a time! And it feels great to be close to my 65 lb star!

Another side note I wanted to add is how sweet Nick is! If you don't already know, I LOVE the biggest loser!

I was so happy for Danny that he won! Nick and I both really liked him the entire competition. I was sad that it was over though! It is the only thing I watch EVERY week, every second of the show. It has been fun to watch them go through their journeys while I am going through mine. It was often very emotional for me to watch. But I am thrilled to know that it starts again on Jan. 5th! YEA!

If you have seen the show, you can follow this. When the contestants step on the scale Ali says what their previous weight was and then the scale goes "Beep. Beep. Beep" ....until the current weight shows. She then says what their current weight is.

Well, when I get home Nick always looks at my book that shows my results and does the biggest loser scale scene for me! He's so cute covering up my current loss, tells me my previous weight, does the beeps, and then announces my current weight! He is such an amazing support and makes a big deal out of each weight in. It's silly but so fun!

Quote of the week:

Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain.

~Author Unknown

Each 5 lb star I get is a pebble I have passed on my way to conquering MY mountain!

Thank you for all the kind comments! You have no idea how they fuel me to do even better! Thank you for taking the time to read about my journey!

The Old Me is On the Curb!

What a week!

First of all I did weigh in:

-5 lbs

Total lost -59.8 lbs

I am THRILLED with that!!! It was a great loss, but I also can't believe how close I am to having lost 60 lbs! It feels so great to keep reaching these small goals, because as I reach each one I am getting closer to my ultimate goal!

It was also a week that I proved to myself that I WILL NOT gain this weight back! And if I am never going to gain this weight back, then I DO NOT need the clothes that are too big for me!

Like these ---

But let's be honest...it's still a little scary to get rid of hundreds of dollars worth of clothes! A safety net. Just in case...right? NO!!! I will not allow myself to even consider having these clothes 'just in case'. Keeping these clothes is admitting to myself that I could gain this weight back! I will NOT allow that to happen. I will not lose this weight again! Will it always be easy...no. Will I have to work my whole life to keep it off...yes. But it will be easier to maintain than lose. And I am making a lifestyle change, not suffering on a diet!

So even though it was harder than I thought it would be...I went through the closet and made a pile...a pretty large pile...

Some of it was pretty new. I bought this shirt for work this summer. It's a 3x! It just hangs now and just a few months ago I was having trouble keeping the buttons closed! Goodbye!

The fun part was opening a bunch of boxes and going through clothes that Nick has let me cart around, move after move for the last years. I found brand new sweat shirts that I was never able to wear, and some of my favorite sweaters, pants, pajamas, and even a bathrobe! How FANTASTIC and FUN it was to have so many things fit! I also made a box of things that are close that I can try on as I lose more! Shopping at HOME! In fact, Nick has been telling me I need some warm-up type pants that I can wear in public. I only have the lounge type with things like snowmen on them that I only wear at home (well, usually just at home!) I found an old pair that I used to love and they FIT!

Old clothes are new again!

Today at church I wore a fantastic skirt and blouse I got over 4 years ago. My friend said, "You look great! Did you go shopping for new clothes!" It's so fun to have things to wear again, especially when it's not costing me any money...yet!!!

So we boxed up all those clothes that I will NEVER NEED again. We were on our way out and Nick said, "Let's just take it later." I said, "No. I want those out of the house! I am DONE with them!"

Goodbye old clothes that represent the old me!

It felt good to Kick 'Em to the curb and leave the old me behind...for GOOD!

I Am Doing It!

I took a long break from my blog.

I also took a break from even trying to lose weight.

Now I have just been taking a break from my blog...

...while I have been losing weight!

I joined Weight Watchers again and started the program on September 1, 2009.

I have lost 54.8 pounds!

Now, let's back up. How did I go from barely smoldering to on fire? I am not sure. After the last post June 9th, I made some feeble attempts to tell myself I was at least trying to keep things under control. But honestly (this is really hard to admit) I was gaining weight. I actually gained all that I had lost last year, plus almost 10 pounds more. So I did the logical thing...I gave up. I stopped even trying. I stopped thinking about it. I just pushed it out of my head. Though, that's hard to do when every movement I would make reminded me of my size.

In June I started a new job. I just wanted something part time that did not interfere with me being a stay-at-home Mom. I found a wonderful job as a gate agent for Delta Connections at the airport. I work nights from 8pm to 1am. Perfect. Kids go to bed...I go to work. But, this is the first job I have even had to order a uniform. I was sure they were going to tell me they didn't have any my size! They did. Thankfully they are very casual -- cargo pants and Polo's. But sometime in August I split the side of my pants out on the side. Thank Heavens for a long shirt! That got me thinking again. I asked myself "Where are you going to be in 10 years if you keep on like this?" I knew the answer. My parents came to visit in August. Thankfully I have a Mother who never pushes the subject when she can tell I don't want to talk about it. Finally, before she left I brought up that I was feeling totally hopeless again, and actually scared too. She suggested I try Weight Watchers (WW) again. I said I would think about it.

Last year I was having success with South Beach but was feeling really restricted and like it was hard to feed my family the same things. But I loved all it re-taught me about whole grains, simple sugars, etc. I have also always been a fan of WW and knew it worked. But when I did it I only worried about keeping in my points -- not the kinds of foods they were. WW does teach to eat the good grains, etc like South Beach, but I never paid attention.

What if I combined them?

Yes. I would attend WW but keep South Beach Principles in mind. I also set some rules for myself:

• Go to WW as if I have never been. I threw out all the materials I had and went as a totally new member. Not a past member returning.
• No weighing at home. Biggest Loser gave me this idea. That's why I go to WW meetings. To weight and then get support and information every week. Plus, if I weight and am down I don't think I have to work as hard. And if I'm up, I just give up because it's not working. I am not focusing on numbers during the week --- I am just following the plan.
• Track Everything (that means write it down)
• Water every day
• My goal is 2 lbs a week for a total of 75 lbs when Lukas is out of school in June 2010

And that's what I have been doing! I am just really following all my rules and the WW program. I am also exercising 45 minutes/5 times a week on my elliptical machine. And it's working. I have found the combination that takes the weight off for me! It's coming off faster than I expected, but I am not going to try to stop it!

I didn't blog until now because I have felt like the 'boy who cried wolf'. I feel like all my life I have been saying "I am going to really lose it now" and it usually ends up being 20 pounds, then I gain it back + some. That's the story of my life. It's embarrassing. So this time I kept it to myself. Of course my Mom and Dad knew. And Cinda....one of my biggest cheerleaders and supporters...I couldn't do it without her knowing. But that's it. I just wanted to do it. Show myself that I am not crying wolf...I am really doing it. But I have missed this blog, so to celebrate reaching the 50 lb mark I am going to keep up again. My goal is once a week to report my weigh in and then reflect on the past week.

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Now that you are all caught up on where I am and how I got to this place, I want to include some of the successes I have had away from the scale. These are called NSVs. Non Scale Victories. They are just as important and I want to remember them when I look back at this journey.

• The work pants I slit out are HUGE. I don't even have to unbutton them to get them off.
• When I fly on the airplane I don't need Nick to buckle me in while I suck in like crazy. Last week I had to actually tighten it!
• The tray-table on the plane did not hit my stomach!
• There are rubber gloves we use at work that were too small for my hands. Now they fit!
• I can bend over to tie my shoes without grunting
• I am wearing clothes that still have tags. I bought them thinking I will get into them and never did. I am in them NOW!
• I wear a different skirt every week now. I did have one black maternity one that I had to wear every week.
• I had the first "Are you losing weight?" comment 2 weeks ago. That is HUGE! I have not lost enough weight for someone else (that does not know I am trying to lose weight) to notice since high school!
• I have never lost this much at one time
• I am at a weight now that I honestly don't have a memory of being. Obviously, I had to pass it on the way up, but I have never gotten this low again, and it has been so long that I don't remember weighing this.

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I just feel good. Great. Wonderful. Fantastic!

I have a lot more to lose, but I have to enjoy the journey, and I AM! I am loving this journey! One of the greatest things is that I don't even feel winded. I don't feel discouraged. I don't feel like I am on a horrible diet and how long until I'm done. I am just excited to keep going!

When I hit the 50 lb mark at WW I cried! I was so excited and overwhelmed with joy that I am doing this! In the meeting my leader asked what it meant to me. I started to cry again, and through tears said, "It means I am finally keeping this promise to myself."

A Smoldering Fire

Still no strong passion or motivating drive.

But, I have decided that's okay. Maybe that is not what I need right now. I know that I am either fire or ice. I am 1) on FIRE. Doing perfect -OR- 2) ICE. Doing completely terrible.

What I need to be is : a smoldering fire

I need a nice slow burn because I need this flame to last a long time.

So I am just doing it, working to make it habit right now. Don't they say "Fake it 'til you make it!" I am really eating good (I am not faking that) but I am just going through the motions and doing the things I know will lead to success, hoping that the 'flame' will keep burning and it will come to feel more natural again.

This fight, this struggle is more than just a struggle about weight. It is one of my biggest trials in life. If you don't have a weight problem, you won't understand how that can be. But I know that Satan uses my insecurities about my weight against me. Satan knows that if I am eating terribly and gaining weight that I will not be happy. I will be grouchier, have terrible self talk to myself, judge others more harshly, let other good habits go down the tube, feel that losing this much weight is an unattainable goal, that it's hopeless, I am worthless and not worthy of trying. He knows I don't want to get pregnant until I have lost some of this weight, and the last thing Satan wants is for another little spirit to be born into the Covenant.

Hopelessness is from Satan. Hope if from our Heavenly Father.

That is why I have to remember that even though I don't weight what I want to weigh, I do have all the other things I do want. I have a wonderful husband that I am sealed to. I have two wonderful boys. I come from a wonderful family and have wonderful in-laws. I have the gospel in my life. Nick has reminded me that I have everything to smile about, and he is right, I have every reason to feel hope. I must not let one trial in my life block out all the other good there is.

I can be happy WHILE losing weight, not just when I am DONE losing weight. I need to focus on being happy and remembering all the blessing I do have. Yes, I have a trial. But I have been blessed with so much!

My Current Plan:

I say 'current' because I have also come to realize I don't have to be so black and white. I did Weight Watchers for a long time and believe in that program --- it does work. Then I learned about South Beach and that was appealing --- it works too. But there is not one perfect way to lose weight. It's about what works for you and what you will do. So I am combining them right now. I am counting my points for Weight Watchers ( not going to meetings, I have all the stuff) but also following the SB rules. If I have starch, it is whole wheat. I am still focusing on salads, lean meats, low fat dairy, some fruit, and things that are sugar free. This is what is working right now. I may go strictly SB again sometime. I will keep changing it up if I have to.

I have also gotten the elliptical machine out again. I exercised 3 times last week. My goal is to exercise 4 days this week. I did it today and it felt good.

I have not weighed for a week or so. I don't know when I will. It seems to distract me and right now I just want to focus on getting into better habits again.

And of course I am focusing on having HOPE...Being HAPPY...WHILE working on losing weight. I know there will still be bad days, I will get discouraged, and feel like I can't do it. That's life. But EVERYTHING seems more doable when you are smiling, happy and hopeful!

(Will someone remind me of this post when I've had a bad day!)

What is Passion?

It is what I am looking for.

Webster's Dictionary defines it as:

-Intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction

-A strong liking or desire for, or devotion to some activity, object, or concept

Why am I looking for mine?

Because I lost it and feel about as low as I could right now, as far as my weight is concerned. It was a very rough couple of months during the move. I gained weight back. Lots. Once the fog of the move had lifted, I got back on South Beach and lost 10 pounds that first week. But I have been overwhelmed this week, once again, with the enormity of my task, and feel deflated. Hopeless. Passionless.

Do I try ---

AGAIN?

(You don't have to answer that, it's meant for me)

I will get back to you on that one.

PS: Please take my poll on the sidebar. I am interested in how people want me to report/check-in.

Still here...

Wow! My last post was way back on February 17th! To tell you the truth, I have wanted to post the last week and half but honestly did not know what to say. Have you ever had so many thoughts that it just didn't feel like you could make sense of them? That's how I have been feeling with swirls of self-talk, others talk, quotes, things I have read, going over patters in my weight battle world, just trying to see where I am and why! I see-saw from frustration and anger with myself, to understanding and trying to look at the bright side and a way to keep going.

_____________________________________

A sampling of the thoughts:

If someone said to me that I could have ANYTHING I wanted in the entire world, and I told them I wanted to meet my weight loss goals (of course after the safety and happiness of my family) and they said to me, that I COULD have that, at any point, if I just worked hard enough for it. It is MINE. I CAN have it. I CAN give it to myself. It is there for me to take and enjoy. Is seems so simple, that I would just be able to do it and get that for myself. Yet, I just keep struggling. (After reading that it is hard to understand what I am saying, but it really makes sense to me!)

I am still watching the Biggest Loser and am rooting for the PURPLE team ( yes I know they are now part of the Blue team)! I just love Kristin (the daughter) and she had said something a few times now that just really hits home for me. I am paraphrasing a few different quotes, but she says, "If you have ever wanted this change for yourself, and you didn't think you could do it...you can. You have the strength inside of yourself to do it! If you want to change your life, change it now!" I like that visual that I do have the strength INSIDE of me. She is really an inspiration to me.

I have been thinking back over the last 5 years, at all the tries, attempts, small successes, big and small failures, plans and games I have had in order to lose weight. And after 5 years I am pretty much in the same spot. Ya, I have lost here and there, I have gained even more times than I have lost, I have felt better at some times than others. But more or less, I am in the SAME STINKING place I was 5 years ago! I have a good spin and a bad spin on this:

The good: If I had not been attempting, succeeding, failing, trying...I know that in this last 5 years I could have gained a lot more weight and I could be much worse off!

The bad: I am not getting ANYWHERE! I am stuck in a 30 lb cycle. I lose 30 lbs, feel good and like I am on a roll and getting somewhere, then something happens, it can be anything that derails me...I gain at least part of it back, but I still just stay in the same little circle of weight loss and gain. And here we are again...I lost about 30...and can't get anywhere else again.

After looking at this cycle over the last 5 years or even the last 10 years, I start to really doubt that I can even do this. I don't know if I even believe that I can do this. I don't even know if I dare even hope that I can do this.

I don't want to write another huge plan, a new motivating idea, the next extravaganza that will propel me to my next goal. I don't want to keep 'starting over'. I just want to 'keep going'. I know that is a lesson I have not learned yet...but I want to. I am trying to. I want to see this as a lifestyle and that means there will be good and bad days. But I need to have enough sense to have mostly good days so I can work toward my goal!

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With all of these things in my head I am still trying. I have been doing Phase 1 this week and it has gone well. I am losing the same pounds I lost after Christmas...again. I have not been exercising because my asthma has not been very good. I am on Prednisone but can't try to exercise yet. Nick has been gone this week and that does make it easier to do Phase 1. There is a chance we will be in Montana with Nick next week again. If we are I will just have to keep working to make smart choices. It will not be easy until this move is over, but I just can't gain weight through-out this whole time either.

Deep down inside me I know that I believe I can do this, otherwise I would not keep at it. I just need to bring that belief closer to the surface to help me through the rough moments.

Another change of plans?

Alas, my last plan of blogging every day with my food logs has not worked! My life is just so crazy right now. I rarely take a few minutes to even read other blogs and have just done the first post on our family blog in about a month! This trying to sell a house is the pitts! I am always cleaning and putting the piles away and getting ready for a showing or open house. And then I have to leave during the open house or showing, and it is always around a meal! It is exhausting!

So, last week as I am not blogging like I wanted to, and I was eating more phase 2 with some not good choices mixed in, and I was starting to be really hard on myself again, I just realized that unfortunately, right now I cannot give losing weight the full focus it requires! If you have ever tried to lose weight, you know it is sort of like being pregnant. For me at least, I never forget that I am pregnant. I never think, "Oh ya, I am with child and I totally forgot!" I am always thinking about getting enough water, the right foods, not falling, not lifting anything too heavy, is the baby kicking enough, what week am I in, etc, etc, etc! Well, losing weight is like that. It is something that you never forget, you are always working to make the right food choice (and if you think about how many times a day you eat or get a snack, or a drink...that is a lot of choices!) and you are thinking about water, about exercise, about NOT eating what your kids are eating, or the refreshments at a get together, etc, etc, etc. It is a full-time job to lose weight.

I am not trying to make excuses, I am just finally being realistic instead of ripping myself to shreds again. Life is crazy right now, we are going to be in Montana all next week, and then hopefully soon after moving, which is always pretty chaotic in my experience. So, I had to think about what I expect of myself during this time...what is really realistic.

I have thought of this all week and decided that right now I can do Phase 2. Phase 2 gives me more freedom. I can have fruit, more dairy products and whole grains. I can grab a sandwich, or a South Beach Bar, make a fast spaghetti dinner with a salad...you get the idea. In the past when I have been on Phase 2 I have been really cautious and would allow myself one serving of grains and one fruit. But right now I will have to just have what fits, and that will be more servings of those things, but they are good foods and choices so that is okay!

It will be hard when we are in Montana next week and will be eating out a lot. I will be honest, I won't order a salad at every place we eat. I will have some snacks. But I can make good choices most of the time.

My goal right now is to MAINTAIN. If I can get through this transition time at about the same weight I will be really happy. Once we are settled again I can go full-steam ahead after my goal. I have learned there is a time and a season for all things.

Quote of the day:

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

~John Lennon

I think we can all relate to this one! While I continue to make plans and set goals life keeps coming and keeps happening. Just because I am not at the weight I want to be does not mean that I am not happy and that I do not love my life...I do. I see all my blessing everyday in the faces of Nick, Lukas and Slade.

I will reach my goal weight, but it won't be this month. That's okay. I won't even reach my end goal this year, or maybe even next year. It's a long process. But someone once told me that it's okay to tell yourself you are going to maintain. That can be your goal for a time, and when the time is right and you are ready you can set a new goal to move forward.

So I am okay with this goal to maintain...this is realistic right now...this is the kind thing to do for myself at this time.

Food Log - Mon 2/9/09

I realize I was sort of hard on myself in the last post I wrote. You are all so supportive and I know nobody is judging me. I am the most critical of myself, and learning to allow myself the same mistakes that I allow others is part of my learning process in this journey. I am no longer mad at myself for the last few rough weeks, I am just moving forward! There will be more bad weeks in the future, I will just get better at recovering from them and bounce back faster!

Yesterday I did stay on Phase 1, but I actually did not eat enough until the evening. I did not have my day planned too good and needed to get groceries. So eating was an after thought by the time I got to it yesterday!

I will just list what I ate sort of in the order I ate it.

What I ate:
-String cheese
-String cheese
-Gum
-Pistachio nuts
(The above is all I ate until about 5:30pm)
-A bowl of taco soup with some low fat cheese and ff free sour cream (yummy!)
-Salad with a few sun flower seeds and lf ranch
-2 cream cheese cups, a dollop of peanut butter, a few sugar free chocolate chips, dollop of cool whip melted together
-1 32 oz mug of water

Now I have groceries so I can eat a more balanced day. I still need to work on getting some new snack and dinner recipes from other South Beachers. I need to call Denette and Kim to get their favorites!

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

START OVER

This is a really mortifying post to write. Last week I talked the talk, but did not walk the walk. I started out good....but ended with a bad week in my rear view mirror.

I know I deserve a good tongue lashing, but don't worry, I've got it covered. I was working on a letter to myself this week as a post that never got posted. I will give you a little snippet so can see how I felt this week...

"...You started the week out good with positive thoughts that turned negative and then you started making bad choices! I was understanding of myself last week, but this week I just feel mad at myself! I am mad at you because you are taking my dream away! You are being weak! You are being selfish! You are being short-sighted! You are looking for instant gratification! You are not taking care of yourself! You are having negative self talk! You are not believing in yourself! You are feeling like you really can't do this! You can't imagine yourself as anything but fat anymore..."

So you can see I am not happy with myself. I know I have disappointed all of you too. Sorry. But feeling sorry for myself, and mad at myself, and embarrassed by my choices is not going to make me any thinner. It will only serve one purpose...it will keep the destructive cycle of 'eat-feel bad-eat more from guilt-negative self talk-guilt-eat' going strong. I have been stuck in the cycle for 2 weeks now. (Dang It!) But I have held myself accountable by talking about it here and now today I am jumping out of the negative cycle wheel and 'STARTING OVER'. I am not beat until I totally quit, and I am not doing that.

---------------------------------------------------------

What I need is to get back to the very basics.

1. I have started Phase 1 today


2. I will exercise 3 days this week


3. I will drink two 32 oz mugs of water a day


4. I will chew gum at least 3 times a day


5. I will blog what I have eaten every day

Breakdown:

1. Of course I need Phase 1 to clean my body out again and give me the jump start. I have been stagnant for too long now. I want to get past the 30 lbs lost point and be excited about where I am again!

2. I am delivering papers full time (again) for a few weeks (I know, when will I ever really stop!) That does make it harder to exercise since I get up later and have to get Lukas to preschool and things. So I decided for the next two weeks I will exercise on Tues, Friday, and Saturday since those days I don't have to be anywhere at a specific time.

3. I know how important water is. And if I am drinking water I am also drinking less pop.

4. Why chew gum? If I am chewing gum I am not eating something else. I want to get in the habit of grabbing gum when I am really not hungry, I just want to chew on something.

5. Post what I eat every day? This is one that will bore you to tears, I am sure! Nobody wants to read what I ate that day. I know that. But I NEED to post it so I am really conscience about what foods I am eating and if I am balancing out all the things I need. This is what they tell you in weight loss 101..."write what you eat." NOT writing what I eat has been one thing I love about the South Beach Diet, but right now I need that extra step to help me reach the strong point I was at before.

That is the plan.

At this point I deserve all the "Ya rights" you are thinking right now. I know I deserve them. I have to prove to you and to myself again, that I can do this.

Quote of the Day:

In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins, not through strength but by perseverance.

H. Jackson Brown

This was a quote I used in a November post. It has become one of my very favorite quotes. It is the story of the Turtle and the Hare all over again. It tells my story. I know that I am not strong all the time,I have proved that the last two weeks. But I am trying to persevere and through that process get stronger, so that I can win.

I can not give up. I just have too much to gain by reaching this goal.

MIA No More

Where oh where has Karly been?

Have I been working so hard on my goals that I did not have time to post...no.

Have I been busy selling my house...no.

I have not been doing anything productive or noble, I have been...

...POUTING!

Yep. I am embarrassed to admit it, but I have been having a good old fashioned pity party for myself. I weighed last Monday and did not lose any weight. It really upset me because I had made some changes that I thought would help me. I worked out for four days and I really pushed myself. I burned more than double the calories I used to in a workout. I also cut back on the diet pop and drank 64 oz of water a day. And then, NOTHING. No loss.

Now, the rational adult in me knows that this happens sometimes when you are trying to lost weight. That does not mean your hard work will not be rewarded, it just may not show up on the scale that week. And yes, that can be frustrating but you just have to keep working hard and you will be rewarded.

But, the impatient, greedy child in me got mad and stomped her feet (I didn't really, but I felt like it) and yelled "It's not fair!" So I did not make good choices that day, which turned into another day, and another.

While I was pouting, I also got really stressed and...

...cracked under pressure!

Nick and I started to get really worried about not being able to sell the house yet, how to get him up to Great Falls, and how to finance him staying there in a hotel, and then the whole process of selling here and not having a house up there yet....all the the logistics of the move just got really confusing and overwhelming at once.

And when I get really stressed....I eat.

And since I was already mad that I did not lose, and then the 'eat' signal came from the stress, I did not make good choices. Now, I am not trying to make excuses. I could have changed the outcome of both of these situations. I CHOSE NOT TO...I CHOSE to make BAD choices. I am going through all of this so I can understand why I made the choices I did, and realize how I can change the outcome next time.

No excuses. I am responsible for the bad choices I made.

****************************************

Now what?

You know the drill. I know the drill.

PHASE 1.

I just have to pick up and keep going. I am not going to give up for good. Just because I gave up for a week does not mean I am just giving up. I lost a battle, but there is still a war to win. In fact, yesterday at church I was talking to my friend Kim, who has lost about 80 lbs on South Beach. I told her I had a bad week and she said, "Me too!" I told her I am starting Phase 1 again today and she said, "Me too!" So even someone who has lost a lot can and will still have those 'bad weeks' or 'bad days'. It doesn't mean you still can't reach your goal. It was great to talk to her and see that I am not the only one who hits rough patches. We are going to check on each other this week to be sure we are on track.

I have started well today. I have made good choices and will exercise tomorrow.

**********************************

Quote of the day:

"Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.”

Sam Levenson

This quote applies to me, but I would put in the word, "Don't watch the calendar..." That is where I went wrong last week, I was so set on losing by that weigh-in, that Monday. If I would have just kept going, I would have seen the results.

Just keep going....that is my new mantra!

mUncHinG MaDnNeEsS!

It has been a very long, wonderful, relaxing...WANT TO MUNCH LIKE CRAZY DAY! Don't get me wrong, I am loving the 9am-12pm church. We actually have a day to enjoy each other and just be home as a family! BUT...I am also HOME ALL DAY and the Sunday Munchies kick-it into high-gear mode!

That is also why I weigh-in on Mondays, to avoid the "Sunday Sabotage"! It is working, I am holding my own on Sundays and forcing myself to stay focused. I have been drinking alot of water today, the Sugar Free Chocolate Chips have been a helpful snack, as have the cream cheese cups. I was going to have a salad tonight, but no, it was not in me. The thought actually revolted me just a little bit. So I will just have some pudding and water after the boys are in bed.

I love salad all week, but by Sundays I guess I just need a break. By Sunday I am feeling more cravings and the need to be a little more relaxed. That is why I force myself to make it through Sunday, and then on Monday I give myself a bit of a break. I will have a real snack. I will have a few more good carbs, maybe more fruit...whatever the day brings. It gives me a chance to feel 'indulgent' and not totally deprived of all wonderful foods.

The Key: Not letting it de-rail the rest of my week or 'relaxing' so much it makes it hard to lose that week. It's not a pig-out/go crazy/leave reason behind day. It's just not so strict and when I will allow myself to have a good treat that I have been craving.

With all that said, I have tried really hard to keep the munching in check today! I will see how the weigh-in goes tomorrow. There is such a thing as 'too many approved snacks'....hopefully I will still lose tomorrow!

I am crossing my fingers!

The Next Step...

+

=

My first workout since before the Holidays!

Even though I have been doing good with my eating choices, I had not yet gotten back to exercise. As I have watched the Biggest Loser the last two weeks I thought to myself, "If they can work out for something ridiculous like 8 hours a day, I can get one short workout in a day!"

So this morning when I went downstairs to get on my elliptical, I told myself, "You can do more!" I threw my 20 minute workout out the window and did 30 minutes! (It jump-started my water drinking for the day too!) Now, I know, I know...you are thinking, "Wow! Way to stretch yourself!" There are people reading this that do WAY more than that: like my sister-in-laws Lindsey and Jenn who both ran half marathons this weekend, and my sister-in-law Gina who does an hour of aerobics 6 days a week, and my sister Cinda who is 6 1/2 months pregnant and does half an hour 5 days a week on the elliptical! You are all AMAZING! You all inspire me!

But, I have to take what I have been doing and go from there. I will not be running a half marathon anytime soon! But, I do want to work up to 45 minute workouts 5 days a week. At some point I want to get back into strength training too.

My goal this week is to work out 4 times (today, Thursday, Friday and Saturday) for 30 minutes. Next week I will go longer. I know that even this much exercise is wonderful for my heart and is burning calories. It will help me reach my goals!

Quote of the day:

“Exercise: you don't have time not to”

-Author Unknown

This is my new mindset! I have to make time for me, and exercising is for me! I know it will start my day off right and will reinforce my desire to make good food choices throughout the day. I will continue to burn calories after I have stopped working out. Endorphins will be released that will help me feel good about myself. Why wouldn't I want to exercise?

A Birthday Present for Me & Weekly Weigh-In!

Don't worry, nobody has missed my birthday! I am just looking ahead as I set my next goal. My birthday is August 25th, and what better present could there be for myself, than reaching another weight loss milestone! So I made my birthday the end point for my next big goal, with small steps along the way of course.

Here is the goal and the plan:

• Goal: To lose 50 pounds by August 24th
• Plan: There are 31 weeks from today, Monday January 19th to Monday August 24th.

-I have broken that time into 10 three week segments

-I must lose 5 lbs every three weeks to get a reward

-Then there will be one remaining week that I will hopefully not need to lose in to reach my goal (because I will have already met it)

-When I reach that goal I will have a total weight loss of about 75 pounds

I know that losing 5 lbs every three weeks does not sound like very much. But it just isn't realistic to expect to lose 2 lbs EVERY week! There will be weeks I don't lose at all and will have to make it up in other weeks. But I feel like this is an attainable goal to reach by August 24th. I am sure there will be three weeks segments that I don't make the 5 lb goal, but there will be other segments that I exceed it. I think that between the low loss weeks and the high loss weeks it should even out and I can still make this goal!

*********************************************

I did weigh in today. I was hoping to lose the rest of the Christmas gain, and I DID!

Weigh in Report:

Loss this week: 1.6 lbs

Total loss: 25.6 lbs

I am really happy with this loss, especially since I had a couple rough days! Monday I ate at Sam's club with Lukas and Slade while we waited for our car to get new tires. The sugar pretzel was too good to resist! I did have some of that. And then Lukas wanted ice cream, and I helped with that too. I did make a good choice though, I got pizza and ate the topping, no crust! And then on Tuesday I went to our friends, the Kings, for dinner! The ham was wonderful, but I did have some potatoes, and a roll. I was in charge of the dessert and brought a wonderful dish my mother-in-law Cindy makes, Pistachio Dessert. It is mostly all South Beach approved, pudding, cool whip, cream cheese. The crust is the only carb, which is flour, butter and nuts. It is SO good though. The good choice I made, I left the rest of the dessert with them! They gave me some yummy ham to bring home and I loved eating that last week!

But when Wed came I knew I needed to really buckle down hard the rest of the week if I was going to lose still. I did Phase 1 1/2, I drank water (about 64 oz) and not pop every afternoon, and I chewed more gum for snacks!

But Saturday we had another little party for Lukas's birthday with Nick here. I found a cake mix with reduced sugar, and made a Cool Whip frosting for the top. It was really good and I had a small piece!

Yesterday, we went to Nick's parents house for a birthday party and to just be with family. His Mom made pancakes that looked SO good. I didn't have any though (maybe one bite of Slade's). I brought a South Beach bar with me, a string cheese, and an apple. We were there later than I thought we would be, so when hunger hit again I had some cheese they had and another Diet Pepsi. When I got home I had some pudding and Cool Whip.

If I had not had any treats this week, maybe I could have lost more. But, I LIVED my life this week, and still stayed on the Beach, and I still lost. I believe that that is the SECRET to weight loss success!

Quote of the day:

The belly is ungrateful--it always forgets we already gave it something.

- Russian Proverb

This just made me smile! I hope it makes you smile too! :0)

The Biggest Loser

I always told myself I would NOT watch this show! When the first season started I remember thinking, "What a dumb show. Sure, they'll lose weight. ANYONE can lose weight when they have a personal trainer, their food plans are done for them, with no other distractions on a ranch far away from everyone else. How unreal can you get!" I think as a 'large' person myself it was almost offensive to me...a show about big fat people.

So I saw an occasional episode and through the grapevine kind of knew about it. Then last season it seemed like so many people I know were watching it, and LOVED it. And maybe now that I am in a place in my life where I am focused on it and working toward goals, I was ready to watch it.

Let me just say...I AM HOOKED! Last night I cried three times during the two hour episode (in a good way)! Sure, it would be easier for everyone if we were in their circumstances, but I see now there are lessons we can learn from watching them on their journey. And to be truly successful they will all have to carry over the changes they have made, to their day to day lives.

Good things I have gotten from the show so far are:

• If I was a contestant and got on that scale, I WOULD NOT be the heaviest one! YEA!
• Water: Being hydrated is really important. I used to drink water like crazy. And when I am pregnant I drink water like crazy. But I have not drank enough water for a long time. So today I did not get the afternoon Diet Mountain Dew, but instead had two mugs of water (about 40 oz total). I am going to make water part of my day again.
• Gum: I also used to chew gum like crazy. I always had it with me. The funny thing is that I thought of this over Christmas when my Mom offered me some gum and I said, "I hardly ever chew gum anymore." The thought popped into my head that, 'I used to chew gum alot, and I used to be much thinner'...coincidence? Maybe. Probably Not. If you watched the show last night you saw the terrible planned dialogue about the 3pm snack attack, and Bob whips out some Extra Sweet Sensations Gum. I hate to admit it worked...but I bought two packs of Extra gum today (and I love the new boxes they come in!)

I just have a really revved up feeling about really kicking it in gear and getting more weight off! Not that I am not happy with how I have been doing. I guess it's just a renewed energy and motivation to keep going and keep finding new ways to improve how I lose weight and how to become more healthy. I am talking about some simple things like the water and gum.

If you don't watch it, don't worry! I will keep you updated!

Weigh-In

That cake...it just kept calling me yesterday! That darn cake would just NOT leave me alone! So I finally had to take action. You got it, I threw it away and then smothered it with a dirty diaper! I figured that would stop me from going in after it! And don't worry, I DID NOT go after it, that bag is outside in the big garbage can!


I don't know why I am craving so many foods right now. I don't usually feel like this. But based on these feelings I have decided that it is actually 'safer' to go on what I call Phase 1 1/2 this week. I am afraid that if I don't give myself some more variety, NOW, it will backfire on me! What is Phase 1 1/2? It is adding a few Phase 2 foods, but not all of them everyday like normal. For example, today I plan on having some pudding and an apple with some peanut butter. The pudding and apple are Phase 2. But on Phase 2 you can add up to 3 fruits a day, four servings of bread, and 3 servings of milk. I am going add a few of them, one or two, maybe three on a hard day.


So, I did weigh today. There is good news and bad news. The good news: I am happy with my results and feel it was a really successful week. The bad news: I am still 1.4 pounds over from where I was before Christmas.

The results:

Loss this week: 7.2 lbs

Total weight loss: 24 lbs

For those mathematicians out there you have figured out my total weight gain over Christmas. Yup. That's right. I gained an astounding, whopping, embarrassing, 8.6 lbs! Wow. Who does that? Well, obviously I DID!

But, I am happy that almost all of it is now gone again. And let me tell you, I can SO feel the difference! My stomach really carried all the weight gain. I could see it adding up! I feel much better now and my jeans are back to where they were. I am really happy that I am back on track right after New Year's and moving forward again. Like I have said before, there have been many (okay most) years where it has taken me until Valentine's to get my act together! To me, that is the success of my season, in spite of the huge weight gain over the Holidays!

I am currently working out my next goal. There will be a sort of long term goal, with smaller goals to get to that goal. I will post about it when I have it all figured out. My goal this week is just to get the remaining 1.4 pounds lost!

Quote of the day:

You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.

~Unknown Author

How many places in our lives does this quote apply to! Everything! But when I think of weight loss it gives me hope! I can make mistakes, I will make more bad choices, but it won't hurt me in the long run unless I stay in the 'bad choice' making place and 'drown myself'!

Here's to staying out of the water, or at least a-float!

Whew! Good Save!

I have been wanting to post for the last several days and just could not get to it! Lukas turned 5 yesterday and I was getting ready for his first friends/cousins party! Which, by the way, was a lot of fun. It was a tough day not to 'pick' the day away though!

It started first thing when we got up...Lukas requested french toast for breakfast. I LOVE french toast. It was really hard to make it, fix it, cut it, serve it, and clean it...all without eating or tasting any of it. But I did it. And I realized that on Phase 2 I can have french toast. I will make it with whole grain bread, the coating is just skim milk and eggs, and then I will get some sugar free syrup! That really helped me be okay without it that day, since I knew I would have it soon.

Then we had his party at Mc Donalds. The kids played on the equipment, ate happy meals, played some more while wearing their Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle masks, opened presents, ate cake and ice cream...and played some more! I ordered my favorite salad from Mc D's. It is the southwest chicken salad with grilled chicken. If I am on phase 2 I eat the tortilla strips, but yesterday I did not since I am on phase 1 (which is no carbs). It is a absolutely delicious salad. I knew I would not have time to eat it until after the party, and I was right. The hard part about serving the food was there were some extra fries I could have picked on. Who DOESN'T LOVE fries? I know I do! But, I did not have any. And then the cake...it is SO easy to have a little lick here or there, a bite of Lukas's etc. Those little tastes seem so harmless, but I know they make my body release insulin, and I know they make you want more, and I really will not allow myself to taste, on Phase 1 especially. I also REALLY love cake! But, I did not have any of that either.

I drank Diet Coke.

Then today I went to Marie Calendars for a baby shower for my cousin-in-law Kellie. For Nick's side of the family we always have a shower there when someone gets married and when they have their first baby. It is so fun to talk with all my sister-in-laws and cousin-in-laws (that we call sisters anyway). They are all so great and I enjoy being with them so much! I also love going to Marie Calendars because I can always get the salad bar. Not only does it taste so good to have more variety than at home, but I don't have to wash the lettuce, or cut vegetables, or clean up after! It was really, really satisfying!

******************* 2 hours later ***********************

This is WHY I have this blog...you all SAVED me tonight! If I did not know that I was mid-post, and that I am accountable to ALL OF YOU, I would have FINISHED the last 2 PIECES of CAKE! All of the 'resisting' the last few days caught up to me and I just wanted to eat something really carby and really sweet! But, I did NOT. I told myself that I am on Phase 1 right now, and that has to remain 'my perfect zone'. I had someone ask me, "Not just one bite?" And I said, "No, not on Phase 1." It's because of 'my perfect zone'.

'MY PERFECT ZONE' means that when I am on Phase 1, I follow Phase 1. Period. There are no BLTs (Bites, Licks, Tastes). I do not deviate. I need to know for myself that I have a 'zone' I can go to to get back to the South Beach Basics. That is what I have needed after Christmas, and it is working. I have to know that when I tell myself I am on Phase 1, I will go back to the basics, I will in a way cleanse my body again, I will propel myself forward a bit, I will remind myself of the choices I need to be making. That is why I COULD NOT indulge tonight. If I was on Phase 2 I could have decided to have some, been in control, and still be living on the Beach. Not on Phase 1.

In the past I would have reverted to the "I'll Start Again Tomorrow" syndrome, and it would have started with the cake, and then I would have found more things to binge on. I am thankful that thanks to this blog, I was able to stay connected to my goal at the critical moment when the food choice is made, and I chose right. YEA! It feels really empowering! THANK YOU EVERYONE for being there for me, for cheering me on, for believing me...you are making such a difference in my journey!

So, what did I eat? I have found a new little concoction, and I had some sugar free chocolate chips! Do you remember the Cream Cheese Cups I told you about? I made some of those last night so I could have something sweet after the party. But I have taken them a few steps farther. Now I put one (or 2) in a bowl with a dollop of peanut butter on it and nuke it for about 30 seconds. I stir it up and then smooth it down before spreading some cool whip on top. I also sometimes melt a few chocolate chips in the hot mixtures (allowed? yes.) Then I get a little baby spoon and eat it slowly. I am eating it right now with a Diet Barq's Root Beer. It really helps calm the sweet tooth.

Now, tomorrow. Sunday. Another hard eating day. And it's worse for me now because I get home at 12pm and have the ENTIRE day at home. Don't get me wrong, the thought of all day at home, relaxing sounds wonderful! It's just the eating that gets me a little worried. I think I am ready though. I boiled some eggs so I am ready for a fast salad for lunch. I also made the chili I was talking about, and it's good! So I have that ready for dinner. It is just the snacking I will have to control. I have some almonds, string cheese, celery and peanut butter, some sugar free hard candies, sugar free hot chocolate, and I could make some jello. I also have more root beer in the fridge. I have to do good since I have to weigh-in on Monday!

Quote of the day:

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another."

-Walter Elliott

How TRUE this quote is! That is exactly what this weight journey is about. I just got through the short race of Lukas's birthday. Now that is over and I can focus on the next short race, which is Sunday! I am beginning to see that losing weight is like anything else, you have to break it down into smaller goals. I have always known that as far as the number goals go (lose 10 pounds, then the next 10, etc) but I have never thought about it in terms of situations. I don't need to worry about every difficult setting I will ever be in. I just focus on the next one, get through it, and then see what is coming next.

I hope everyone has a happy and healthy Sunday...I will report on Monday how the Phase 1 detox has done to reverse the Christmas damage!