Feedback NOT Failure

I meant to make a short post while I was out of town last week! We left last Friday and went to Buffalo, NY to see my parents before they move to UT. I also wanted to 'say goodbye' to Buffalo since it is unlikely I will be there again...at least not for a very long time.

Let me report the weigh in I had on January 14th.
Lost: -1.2 lbs
Total lost: -77.6 lbs

Friday morning started a whole week of eating away from home. Like I said last week, it's always a little scary, but just part of life! I wasn't going to NOT take a vacation so I could stay at home in my safe 'eating cocoon'!

It was a wonderful vacation, but a lot for me to digest as I reflect on the eating aspect of it. I am having a hard time typing out all the thoughts in my head. I feel like there were some really important things I learned and understood that are crucial to long term success. So bear with me as I hash it out here. All the details are for my benefit so I can be sure I soak up what there is to learn!

The plan I had in my head before we left was to exercise while I was there, continue to track my food, drink water, and only splurge on Buffalo Chicken Wings.

We left on an early flight Friday morning and didn't get to Buffalo until 10pm that night. That's a whole day eating on the go. I planned ahead and took apples and some low carb/low sugar atkins bars. It wasn't until we got to JFK that evening that we sat down for dinner. We had a long layover and wanted real food so we decided to just sit down at the Chili's they have there. I made a great choice getting a southwest style salad. It had the nutrition info listed so I pulled out my points finder (it uses fiber, calories and fat to determine point value. Each person has a daily point value they eat --- instead of counting calories) It was delicious and kept me on track. After we got to Buffalo I continued to keep track and make good choices. I got up and exercised all but Sunday morning and the morning we left (We were there for 5 day). I took some workout videos to do. I also kept up with my water pretty well.
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PAUSE to EXAMINE:

Okay. I have said nothing exciting. But why is what I just said significant? It is significant because my entire life I have 'planned' to do good while on vacation. I have told myself "You can stay on your diet and make good choices and not gain any weight. You can make time to exercise the whole vacation." I would plan to do those things --- but I never actually DID them for more than 1 day or 1 meal or 1 flight. At the first obstacle I would think, "There are NO good choices to make. I have NO choice! I am on vacation and have to eat this way. We are so busy I just can't exercise. I didn't come to do that!" I would lose not only my resolve, but my control. This is significant because this time I did what I planned to do (*most of the time, we'll talk about those situations later!) I did plan what I was going to eat, I kept track of my food, I took water with me and drank it. I got up in enough time to exercise before I had to get ready to go somewhere. I CAN stay on track while away from home! Did you hear that...I CAN stay ON track while AWAY from home!

Do you know how comforting and liberating that feels? Do you know how much fear that takes out of my future? I don't have to picture a life of trying to avoid 'away from home' situations because I can't do it. I CAN! I showed myself that it can be done and I still had a fantastic vacation!
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Now back to the story...

If you were reading carefully you saw that asteric that said "most of the time, we'll talk about those situations later." There were lots of reasons I wanted to go to Buffalo. One of those reasons was Duffs:

There --- is the perfect food!

I don't eat meat off the bone...unless I am at Duffs!

I am getting separation anxiety looking at these wings!!!

These wings at Duffs, and Duffs only, are part of Buffalo for our family. They are part of living there and growing up there. I knew we would go there, and I planned on eating them! I didn't even want to find out the point value. This is one of those situations where it just did not matter. It would not have mattered what their point value was, I was going to eat them. I was going to savour them. I was going to love them. I was going to get full eating them. And I did. It was a beautiful experience.

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PAUSE to EXAMINE:

Ok. So I fully enjoyed a scrumptious meal that was very high in fat and calories. I also ate their unbelievable fries and the blue cheese dressing that is good enough to drink from the tub. Fine. Great. I planned on it. I initiated it! I insisted on it! If I was at home, it could possible throw me out of whack and I could be off track for the rest of that day, a few days, or a week. But on vacation...forget about it. Any 'plan' I was sticking to would have been gone. I would be in high "eat whatever I want, as much as I want, while on vacation and I can justify it" mode.

This time: I just got right back on track. The next morning I made a good choice and wrote it down. That day we were driving in the car to Palmyra and I had a big bag of Peanut M&Ms on my lap for the majority of that hour and half drive and I didn't eat any. None. I just handed them to Lukas and Slade and Nick, my Mom and my Dad. While in Palmyra we stopped at the best pizza place, Mark's. Instead of going crazy I had a piece and a half.

Can you see what happened? I STAYED IN CONTROL! I didn't allow one meal to make me lose sight of my goals and my plan. The mental aspect of weight loss is 50% of the battle. I am finally in a good enough 'mental place' that I could talk to myself in a positive way and keep myself on track. I can't exactly explain what I am trying to say...but it's a huge breakthrough to be able to in a way 'splurge' on a meal and then to NOT keep splurging at every opportunity.

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To continue...

My Mom sent us fudge at Christmas. Lukas fell in love with it, which makes sense because he is my son. He asked Grandma if she could make some of that "Christmas chocolate and teach Mom how to make it!" Of course, Grandma was not going to turn him down...so more fudge was made. I have made it before but did get a few pointers for Lukas's sake! The next day, which is the last day we are in Buffalo, Tuesday, I did eat some fudge. More than I should have. I didn't eat much else, but still, I had too much. Then Nick and I decided that we must go back to Duffs one more time. Usually, one trick I use to tell myself I don't have to eat it all is, "it's not the last time you'll be able to eat those!" Well, in this case, it actually is the last time I will eat these! My parents were kind enough to watch the boys while Nick and I had a little Duffs date. I didn't feel out of control because it was planned and I ate little the rest of the day. Again, the mental aspect is so important. In my mind I knew what state of 'control' I was in and I was not scared. I was still okay.

Here is where it got BAD:

We left the next day to go back to Great Falls. We fly standby since I work for the airline. That is great, but it doesn't always so smoothly. We got stuck in Atlanta that night. We had not had a real meal since breakfast. We were all tired and hungry. I had the fudge we brought home in my shoulder bag. That proved to be a problem. I picked at it all day. Not only was I hungry, but I was stressed. And what have I always done when I am stressed: I eat. We got a hotel that night and ordered pizza. There was nothing close to walk to, it was raining, and it was 9pm. Dominoes came and I didn't have very good control. Mentally, I knew I was eating for hunger, and frustration, and stress, and just to eat because it tasted really good.

The next day was awful since I had to wear the same clothes (we didn't have any bags...they made it to GF!), I was not showered, I was not well rested. We also had three legs of flying to battle with restless boys that were tired of being at the airport. We did get all of our flights. We did make it home. But, by that time the majority of the fudge was gone (the others did help me-but I did do more emotional eating), I had had very little water, my ankles were swollen, I am sure I stunk to high heaven, and I felt like I had gained 50 lbs!

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PAUSE to EXAMINE:

The last 29 hours of the trip that we spent getting home were a disaster in the eating area. I was not prepared for it. I allowed the emotions to get to me and I indulged myself by eating those emotions. I lapsed back into some of those old, destructive behaviors. I felt the same guilt again, and the stomach ache, and the yucky gunky feeling. I had that "I need sugar" feeling again that would drive me to eat before.

Still, there is a victory here.

I said "STOP!"

Once again, for the second time on this trip, I did not allow a bad 29 hours to derail me for good. It would have before. It would have been M O N T H S before I was able to get control again.

This time: I got up, I got out my tracker, started writing my day, and stayed on plan as if there had never been any interruption. I felt the same motivation, and determination, and attention to detail that I have been feeling for the last 20 weeks. I drank my water. I have had a great week. I feel just as strong mentally, too.

Weight Watchers has a saying they use that I honestly have never understood until recently.

"FEEDBACK NOT FAILURE"

Duh. I get it. I didn't fail those 29 hours! I made some less desirable choices. But I learned alot about how far I have come on this journey. I realized just how strong I am now. Not every choice I make for the rest of my life will be the best one. This experience has showed me that it's okay. Just because of a few bad choices I did not gain all my weight back. I did not lose all the ground I have made in the last few months in 29 hours. Each food choice is independent of each other. Just because I make one back choice, doesn't mean the next has to be bad too. That right there has always been one my biggest weaknesses --- "I've done bad already so I should just eat whatever I want the rest of the day." No...not true! If I make a bad choice, the next choice can be a good one.

The good news is that I had to work the night we got home. I put on my work pants that I recently have gotten into and they still fit! Whew. At least I know I didn't really gain 5o lbs back. I am sure I did gain, but I didn't make a meeting that week. We were gone for my normal meeting, they aren't open Fridays, and I was sick Saturday (Nick had to work anyway so I couldn't have gone.) So I have not weighed at all since the vacation. I weight tomorrow. Based on those results I will be able to tell if I gained a little or a lot. I know I gained and I am okay with it.

I feel like this time was very successful. Even though not every choice was successful, I learned so much about myself and how much I have learned and grown. I have learned just how much I have changed fundamentally, inside, where it counts to be successful long term. These were great life lessons and I got some great practice.

The best news --- I came out on top and am still going strong toward my ultimate goal!

cELeBrAte!

It is a week to celebrate!

I had a big loss and hit a big milestone too!

From the awards here you can see I hit the 75 lbs lost milestone!

Loss this week: -4.6 lbs

Total Lost: -76.2 lbs

Wow! I was not expecting to hit this number this week which makes it all the more exciting! When I started in September my goal was to lose 75 lbs by the time Lukas got out of school, which is the first part of June. I have lost 75 lbs by Jan 7th! It seems unreal! I have not meant to lose it this fast, but I am not going to stop it either! I can't even express what it means to have lost this weight. I can put my socks and shoes on w/o thinking about it. When I get up in the morning I walk without any pain. I used to hobble for the first half hour because my feet and ankles hurt so bad. I find myself wanting to run up the jet bridge at work. Run. Run? Ya. Run. For no reason. Not because a hungry grizzly bear is on my heals. Just because it feels good. My wedding ring is moving all around my finger and I could not get it off for years. Many, many years. I could go on and on. These are the kinds of things that make the work to lose weight worth it. Of course I want to look better too...but I am finding feeling good is just as important!

As promised when I lost 75 lbs...new pictures...

This picture is very meaningful to me. I am wearing a shirt my Mom got me for my birthday when we lived in Alaska...we moved there about 9 years ago! It still had the tags on it because it has NEVER fit. I put in on yesterday and got just a little teary. It fits. It is 5 sizes smaller than when I started!


I had to see how the pants I was wearing in my before picture looked.
I can not believe those were uncomfortable to wear!

I have eyes again! I never realized how little my eyes looked before. You could not even tell that my eyes are blue.

Besides having a fun week of taking pictures, it was Lukas's birthday yesterday. I thought to myself, "Jeez. Another 'worry' in my week that will make it hard for me to stay on track." I thought alot about that since things really do always come up. There was a saying in my food tracker book that I related to.

Don't wait for life to give you the right conditions to lose the weight. It will never happen. Start now, work through the challenges and stay committed to your goals.

It is so true. There will never be a huge long stretch of time that all the conditions will be right to lose weight. We had a birthday this week, we have a vacation in a few weeks, then it will be Valentines, and on and on. Part of my journey is learning to enjoy these events in my life, while staying on track and focused on my goals. Just like at Christmas, I enjoy them more when the food is not ruling me.

I am not on a diet. I have made a permanent lifestyle change that will always need to be adapting. Right now I am focused on losing weight. I will have to adapt that when we decide to have another baby and I have to get through a pregnancy without gaining it all back. When I hit my goal weight I will have to adapt to learn to maintain. As I get older my body will change and I will have adapt to any changes that come with age. There are going to be holidays, birthdays, vacations, parties, etc, etc, my entire life...no matter what stage of weight loss or maintenance I am in. So each time I navigate a hard situation successfully I am teaching myself that it can be done. I should not fear it but welcome the practice!

So how did I do this weekend with the birthday? Great! I made the cupcakes for his school and his birthday cake on Thursday. That is my normal treat day so I did taste the batter and the frosting...but just a little. Friday I made the cake and am proud to say I did NOT have ANY bites of frosting or cake! I knew I would have some Saturday. Saturday we went to the movies where the boys bought popcorn. I popped my mini-bag of 94% ff popcorn and took it with me. For dinner we had pizza. I had 1 1/2 slices, an average size piece of cake and about a 1/2 cup of light ice cream. I planned my points ahead of time so I knew what to have. I did have a few extra bites of frosting that were left on the cake platter, but it was worth it cause that frosting is so good! I feel like I was still in control, I had everything my family did, and I enjoyed it!

This is a learning process and I feel like the lessons are really becoming part of me. I am changing my entire relationship with the food world...good food and bad food...and I am in the drivers seat now!

Note: I hope nobody takes these before and now pictures the wrong way. I am not trying to brag or show off. I know I love to see other peoples and they help me. If I can help one other person that would be amazing. I hope you enjoy them in the spirit they are being shown in! Thanks :0)

"I'm goin' ALL out"

Disclaimer:

After I read this again it appears my head is bouncing all over the place! It's a mish-mash of different thoughts and has no real flow. Just a FYI!

Sunday...the day I used to HATE getting dressed for! Why? Because I had 1 skirt I could wear. The choice was basically, "Purple shirt or black shirt?" It was the worst. Today I realized I have not worn the same outfit to church since the second week of November! Now I LOVE getting dressed on Sunday! Today I wore the same outfit I wore (on the second week of November). I had Nick zip up the skirt, and I said, "Are you done?" (He was taking forever!) He said "Ya...and look how much looser since the last time I zipped it!" I could pull it out from my waist and look down inside the skirt! The jacket I wore last time looked good, but I could not button it up yet. Today...you guessed it...I buttoned it up! It felt SO good!

Nick was at work when we got home from church so I had Lukas take a picture of me in the buttoned up jacket. He said, "It's hard to aim Mom!" You'll understand when you see the picture:

Even though the picture may make you sick if you look at it too long, you can still see the jacket is buttoned! YEA. Oh, and by the way, I read in a magazine that you are supposed to do that with your arm when you take a picture! I thought I'd try it!

(Side note: I am getting lots of requests for another full body shot. I am going to take one at 75 lbs! Next time I won't wait 25 pounds between pictures...I'll do one ever 12 pounds or so!)

This week was a big weigh in for me. I was REALLY nervous after Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I did enjoy those days and ate my share of 'fun' food. But I also worked really had the rest of the week. I did extra exercise and had very few carbs. It paid off! I did not gain and even still had a loss!

Lost: -1.6 lbs

Total Lost: -71.6 lbs

I am thrilled that I did not gain over the Holidays. In fact, I continued to lose through the Holidays! And you know what --- I still had a wonderful Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas! I don't have to eat everything that looks good to still enjoy the fun! In fact, it's more fun because I am not loathing myself over the food I have eaten. Crazy.

Speaking of food, I want to share one of my favorite new foods: Gorgonzola Cheese.

It's sold by the feta, which is what I used to buy to sprinkle on salads. Then I tried a new recipe that called for Gorgonzola cheese and I am in LOVE with it! Two things I use it for:

I cook marinated chicken tenders in a Buffalo sauce (BBQ and Hot Sauce) in the oven. To make a blue cheese like dipping sauce I use 1/2 cup ff sour cream and some Gorgonzola cheese mixed together. It's divine!

The other thing I use it for on most days is my salad. Green leaf lettuce, sprinkle of dried cranberries, sprinkle of sunflower seeds, sprinkle of Gorgonzola with 2 T lite ranch. It's a wonderful and delicious salad!

I am really excited for this week because:

premiers on Tuesday, Jan 5th! YEA!!!

I also came across a song that is my new motto. It is actually by a former Biggest Loser contestant: Dan Evans. I didn't watch very much of his season but I have read about him since and knew about the new country album he released. He lost 136 lbs and looks great! He is an inspiration for the obvious reason...all that weight loss. But the other thing is that losing the weight gave him the confidence to go after a music career! It reminds me that I can also do anything I want. No, I do not have my eye on a recording deal --- but little things like being able to go on (fit on) a kids ride with Lukas and Slade, or being able to go on bike rides, maybe one day I'll even have the confidence to take a swimming class where I have to be in the water with the child. Who knows...but I know there are countless small things that do and will mean so much to me when I reach my ultimate goal. I will not take for granted the small things that I could not do 71.6 pounds ago!

Here are my favorite words from Dan's Song:

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Goin' All Out

I'm goin' all out!

I'm gonna live this dream!

Doin' it now!

Not gonna miss a thing!

Gotta fire up all this passion!

Throwin' my whole heart in!

I'm goin' all out!

I'm not just here for the light

In the back seat of my life passin' me by

I'm takin' the wheel!

I'm gonna Drive!

I'm goin' all out!

Gotta fire up all this passion!

Throwin' my whole heart in!

I'm goin' all out!

I'm gonna live this dream!

Doin' it now!

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That song is on the Biggest Loser Country Workout CD Nick got me for Christmas. When I heard that song and really registered the lyrics, I just hit me! The words say just what I feel. I am not going to let my life pass me by anymore! I AM taking the wheel and I am going to live my dream NOW! I am throwing my whole heart in and giving this journey all my passion because it's a worthwhile goal and I am worth the work!

The banner on my cell phone says:

"I'm goin' ALL out"

It's a great reminder for me of all the words of this awesome song and that I can keep going!