Feedback NOT Failure

I meant to make a short post while I was out of town last week! We left last Friday and went to Buffalo, NY to see my parents before they move to UT. I also wanted to 'say goodbye' to Buffalo since it is unlikely I will be there again...at least not for a very long time.

Let me report the weigh in I had on January 14th.
Lost: -1.2 lbs
Total lost: -77.6 lbs

Friday morning started a whole week of eating away from home. Like I said last week, it's always a little scary, but just part of life! I wasn't going to NOT take a vacation so I could stay at home in my safe 'eating cocoon'!

It was a wonderful vacation, but a lot for me to digest as I reflect on the eating aspect of it. I am having a hard time typing out all the thoughts in my head. I feel like there were some really important things I learned and understood that are crucial to long term success. So bear with me as I hash it out here. All the details are for my benefit so I can be sure I soak up what there is to learn!

The plan I had in my head before we left was to exercise while I was there, continue to track my food, drink water, and only splurge on Buffalo Chicken Wings.

We left on an early flight Friday morning and didn't get to Buffalo until 10pm that night. That's a whole day eating on the go. I planned ahead and took apples and some low carb/low sugar atkins bars. It wasn't until we got to JFK that evening that we sat down for dinner. We had a long layover and wanted real food so we decided to just sit down at the Chili's they have there. I made a great choice getting a southwest style salad. It had the nutrition info listed so I pulled out my points finder (it uses fiber, calories and fat to determine point value. Each person has a daily point value they eat --- instead of counting calories) It was delicious and kept me on track. After we got to Buffalo I continued to keep track and make good choices. I got up and exercised all but Sunday morning and the morning we left (We were there for 5 day). I took some workout videos to do. I also kept up with my water pretty well.
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PAUSE to EXAMINE:

Okay. I have said nothing exciting. But why is what I just said significant? It is significant because my entire life I have 'planned' to do good while on vacation. I have told myself "You can stay on your diet and make good choices and not gain any weight. You can make time to exercise the whole vacation." I would plan to do those things --- but I never actually DID them for more than 1 day or 1 meal or 1 flight. At the first obstacle I would think, "There are NO good choices to make. I have NO choice! I am on vacation and have to eat this way. We are so busy I just can't exercise. I didn't come to do that!" I would lose not only my resolve, but my control. This is significant because this time I did what I planned to do (*most of the time, we'll talk about those situations later!) I did plan what I was going to eat, I kept track of my food, I took water with me and drank it. I got up in enough time to exercise before I had to get ready to go somewhere. I CAN stay on track while away from home! Did you hear that...I CAN stay ON track while AWAY from home!

Do you know how comforting and liberating that feels? Do you know how much fear that takes out of my future? I don't have to picture a life of trying to avoid 'away from home' situations because I can't do it. I CAN! I showed myself that it can be done and I still had a fantastic vacation!
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Now back to the story...

If you were reading carefully you saw that asteric that said "most of the time, we'll talk about those situations later." There were lots of reasons I wanted to go to Buffalo. One of those reasons was Duffs:

There --- is the perfect food!

I don't eat meat off the bone...unless I am at Duffs!

I am getting separation anxiety looking at these wings!!!

These wings at Duffs, and Duffs only, are part of Buffalo for our family. They are part of living there and growing up there. I knew we would go there, and I planned on eating them! I didn't even want to find out the point value. This is one of those situations where it just did not matter. It would not have mattered what their point value was, I was going to eat them. I was going to savour them. I was going to love them. I was going to get full eating them. And I did. It was a beautiful experience.

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PAUSE to EXAMINE:

Ok. So I fully enjoyed a scrumptious meal that was very high in fat and calories. I also ate their unbelievable fries and the blue cheese dressing that is good enough to drink from the tub. Fine. Great. I planned on it. I initiated it! I insisted on it! If I was at home, it could possible throw me out of whack and I could be off track for the rest of that day, a few days, or a week. But on vacation...forget about it. Any 'plan' I was sticking to would have been gone. I would be in high "eat whatever I want, as much as I want, while on vacation and I can justify it" mode.

This time: I just got right back on track. The next morning I made a good choice and wrote it down. That day we were driving in the car to Palmyra and I had a big bag of Peanut M&Ms on my lap for the majority of that hour and half drive and I didn't eat any. None. I just handed them to Lukas and Slade and Nick, my Mom and my Dad. While in Palmyra we stopped at the best pizza place, Mark's. Instead of going crazy I had a piece and a half.

Can you see what happened? I STAYED IN CONTROL! I didn't allow one meal to make me lose sight of my goals and my plan. The mental aspect of weight loss is 50% of the battle. I am finally in a good enough 'mental place' that I could talk to myself in a positive way and keep myself on track. I can't exactly explain what I am trying to say...but it's a huge breakthrough to be able to in a way 'splurge' on a meal and then to NOT keep splurging at every opportunity.

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To continue...

My Mom sent us fudge at Christmas. Lukas fell in love with it, which makes sense because he is my son. He asked Grandma if she could make some of that "Christmas chocolate and teach Mom how to make it!" Of course, Grandma was not going to turn him down...so more fudge was made. I have made it before but did get a few pointers for Lukas's sake! The next day, which is the last day we are in Buffalo, Tuesday, I did eat some fudge. More than I should have. I didn't eat much else, but still, I had too much. Then Nick and I decided that we must go back to Duffs one more time. Usually, one trick I use to tell myself I don't have to eat it all is, "it's not the last time you'll be able to eat those!" Well, in this case, it actually is the last time I will eat these! My parents were kind enough to watch the boys while Nick and I had a little Duffs date. I didn't feel out of control because it was planned and I ate little the rest of the day. Again, the mental aspect is so important. In my mind I knew what state of 'control' I was in and I was not scared. I was still okay.

Here is where it got BAD:

We left the next day to go back to Great Falls. We fly standby since I work for the airline. That is great, but it doesn't always so smoothly. We got stuck in Atlanta that night. We had not had a real meal since breakfast. We were all tired and hungry. I had the fudge we brought home in my shoulder bag. That proved to be a problem. I picked at it all day. Not only was I hungry, but I was stressed. And what have I always done when I am stressed: I eat. We got a hotel that night and ordered pizza. There was nothing close to walk to, it was raining, and it was 9pm. Dominoes came and I didn't have very good control. Mentally, I knew I was eating for hunger, and frustration, and stress, and just to eat because it tasted really good.

The next day was awful since I had to wear the same clothes (we didn't have any bags...they made it to GF!), I was not showered, I was not well rested. We also had three legs of flying to battle with restless boys that were tired of being at the airport. We did get all of our flights. We did make it home. But, by that time the majority of the fudge was gone (the others did help me-but I did do more emotional eating), I had had very little water, my ankles were swollen, I am sure I stunk to high heaven, and I felt like I had gained 50 lbs!

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PAUSE to EXAMINE:

The last 29 hours of the trip that we spent getting home were a disaster in the eating area. I was not prepared for it. I allowed the emotions to get to me and I indulged myself by eating those emotions. I lapsed back into some of those old, destructive behaviors. I felt the same guilt again, and the stomach ache, and the yucky gunky feeling. I had that "I need sugar" feeling again that would drive me to eat before.

Still, there is a victory here.

I said "STOP!"

Once again, for the second time on this trip, I did not allow a bad 29 hours to derail me for good. It would have before. It would have been M O N T H S before I was able to get control again.

This time: I got up, I got out my tracker, started writing my day, and stayed on plan as if there had never been any interruption. I felt the same motivation, and determination, and attention to detail that I have been feeling for the last 20 weeks. I drank my water. I have had a great week. I feel just as strong mentally, too.

Weight Watchers has a saying they use that I honestly have never understood until recently.

"FEEDBACK NOT FAILURE"

Duh. I get it. I didn't fail those 29 hours! I made some less desirable choices. But I learned alot about how far I have come on this journey. I realized just how strong I am now. Not every choice I make for the rest of my life will be the best one. This experience has showed me that it's okay. Just because of a few bad choices I did not gain all my weight back. I did not lose all the ground I have made in the last few months in 29 hours. Each food choice is independent of each other. Just because I make one back choice, doesn't mean the next has to be bad too. That right there has always been one my biggest weaknesses --- "I've done bad already so I should just eat whatever I want the rest of the day." No...not true! If I make a bad choice, the next choice can be a good one.

The good news is that I had to work the night we got home. I put on my work pants that I recently have gotten into and they still fit! Whew. At least I know I didn't really gain 5o lbs back. I am sure I did gain, but I didn't make a meeting that week. We were gone for my normal meeting, they aren't open Fridays, and I was sick Saturday (Nick had to work anyway so I couldn't have gone.) So I have not weighed at all since the vacation. I weight tomorrow. Based on those results I will be able to tell if I gained a little or a lot. I know I gained and I am okay with it.

I feel like this time was very successful. Even though not every choice was successful, I learned so much about myself and how much I have learned and grown. I have learned just how much I have changed fundamentally, inside, where it counts to be successful long term. These were great life lessons and I got some great practice.

The best news --- I came out on top and am still going strong toward my ultimate goal!