Not Tomorrow - TODAY

Courage to Start, Strength to Endure, Resolve to Finish.

I did have the courage to start this journey about 62 weeks ago. I started my weight loss journey with the intent of getting to my goal this time, and learning to maintain it for life.

I had the strength to endure for 62 weeks and lose over 100 lbs. I worked hard day, after day, after day.

Now...I need to find the resolve I need to finish this.

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That's where I am. Looking to find more of that courage, strength, and resolve that it will take to reach my next goal. I am feeling like I did when I started...like it's not possible. My body is filled with sugar that is in control again right now. I am in a sugar craze coma.

So, you can tell it has been a rough few months. It has been a crazy, busy, stressful few months in our lives...and I'm not talking about food! In August I actually found out I was pregnant and we were really excited. In September at my first Dr.'s appointment the ultrasound showed something was not right. That same week I was called to be the Primary President. My work schedule keeps getting longer. I am working 30 hrs a week now instead of 17. I did end up having a miscarriage at the end of September. We were very sad. The miscarriage happened the same week we were in Utah and caught the lady that had a lease to buy agreement to buy our house, moving out. She was moving out and had not paid the mortgage and had not told us. So we now have an extra house on our hands. We had to stay in UT for an extra week to rip out the carpet, repair walls, put a new door up, do the yard, meet with Realtors, etc. Now the house is on the market and we are praying it will sell fast.

Still, with all that going on I was still fighting to make progress, or at least maintain my weight. I started a pattern of doing good, weighing in, and then having my relaxing snack day turn into several. Then do good again. About a month ago I really started to have trouble. I had too much sugar. My body started craving it again. I read about a study involving sugar that I can totally relate to. Scientist believe that there is something in the brain that makes certain people more susceptible to addiction than others. In this study they made snacks available to two groups of people every day for an extended time. One group of people were thin, the other obese. After a while the thin group lost interest in the snacks and didn't eat them. The obese group kept wanting more and more. Their desire for the snacks became stronger.

That is me. When I have too much sugar my body and mind morph into this other creature that hijacks my body and mind and programs them with one mission: more SUGAR. Get more sugar. The combination of some really stressful situations and a body hijacked by sugar is not a good one. Because I listened. This last month I have had less good days and more bad days.

The only time my head is clear is first thing in the morning. Waking up full is never a good sign. On those mornings, I look at myself in the mirror with disgust, but also determination that today is back on track. I get a good breakfast to eat and feel good about the day ahead. It's about 11 am that I hear the sugar monster whispering in my ear, "Some sugar would be good right now." I don't listen saying to myself that I am back on track. But the whispering continues (no, I am not a schizophrenic...it just sounds like it when I put quotes on my thoughts!) "Today is not a good day to start. Tomorrow is better. Have some sugar today and start tomorrow."

"Start tomorrow." Those are two of the most damaging words to someone who is working to lose weight. Do you know why? Because tomorrow will never come. You will never be done with the sugar and ready tomorrow. Tomorrow you will be willing to sacrifice another day and lie to yourself again, saying, "Start tomorrow."

There is only TODAY.

That is why I am recommitting to myself TODAY.

When I lost 100lbs my cousin wrote a post on my blog that I have thought about a lot. She said something like, "Now that you have done the impossible, you can do anything!" I have to remind myself that even though I have had a rough couple months, and have gained some weight back, I am still 100 lbs lighter than I was last year! I did that. I lost that weight. I can do anything. I can lose the rest of this weight. I chose the picture at the top of my blog because that picture takes me back to the end of my fist 5K as I cried to the finish line realizing what I had accomplished in weight loss and that I had just run a race! That picture represents success to me.

I know this isn't the last time I will be hijacked by my sugar craze coma demons! But every time I can get better at recognizing it, and ending it faster and faster. I can keep practicing and will get better at keeping those moments very short. That is the lesson I am going to take from this episode! Weight watchers believes that there is "no failure, only feedback" and I do believe that. I have learned alot about how I work during these sugar coma times and that is going to help me next time.

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Now...I am ready to pull out that courage, find more strength, and get my resolve up to get to my next goal! My next goal is to get my 125 lb award. I am about 25 lbs from getting that. That would mean if I lose and average of 2 lbs per week I should get it by the end of January.

Goal: 125 lb award

Reach Goal By: January 31st, 2011

That does feel like a long ways. But I am reminding myself that I am supposed to enjoy the journey. I know that I will feel so much better after getting past the 11 am sugar call and being on plan for a few days. I don't have to reach that goal to feel good again. There is a quote that says something like, "Once you have a plan the fear subsides." That is so true. That is why writing this blog and laying out a plan is so important for me to make TODAY count and not talk myself into waiting until tomorrow.

In order to reach my goal I have to remind myself of some of the things I have to do.

W A T E R. I have been drinking too much pop. In fact, I know this won't sound like much to you, but I am going to go pop-free for 3 days! Yep. 3 days. That's an eternity to me...but I am willing to do it so I can focus on water again to help clean my system out.

I commit to tracking my food again. That means EVERYTHING. If it's a bite, lick, or taste it will be written down. If I don't write it down I can eat too much of good food too!

I will be at my meetings every week!

On this journey I have dealt with my sugar monster by having my snacks on my weigh-in day. That is the day I would make cookies for Nick and the boys to have during the week, but I could eat some too that day. If there was something I wanted during the week I would save it until that day. That worked for me really well. Because lets face it, I am not going to be able to never eat any sugar again. That isn't realistic. It is not recommended to cut out every sweet thing for too long because your craving for it will just balloon until you pop and binge. Having my treat day once a week kept me from feeling totally deprived. But it did start to get a little out of control this summer. Even though I would keep it to that day I felt like I was allowing myself too much. Right now I just need to get the sugar out of my system so it will stop talking to me!

I am not going to have any sugar, even on my weigh in days, until Thanksgiving. That is 12 days away. I know this doesn't sound like much, but it's a big thing to me. You have no idea how hard it is to un-hijack my body and mind from the stuff. And even the week of Thanksgiving I am still going to lose weight. That won't be a go-crazy day either. I will plan it out like last year.

That's my recommitment to myself. I am recommitting because I know I can reach my goal. I know that I have come so far and learned so much these last 62 weeks. I have had a small relapse, but that doesn't make me a bad person. That doesn't mean the 100 lbs I have already lost don't count. It means I will keep working to learn more and get better at avoiding these hijackings!

Ramblings of a Weight Watchers Woman

After a fun and busy summer, which I have thoroughly enjoyed, I realize how much I have missed doing this blog and going to my WW meetings. I have done this blog a few times, but not like I was before the summer. It really does help me work through all the things I am thinking and feeling. The good and the bad. I have also been going to WW meetings when I am home, but have missed 3 or 4 between being gone, or just getting home, or having company. Plus, I had to switch to Wed. meeting and it's not the same. I miss my Thurs. group. I hope I can go back to it this fall.

In my last entry I talked about the trip we were taking to UT. I had very good intentions to only gain a little bit. And if you had any idea how easily I gain weight, you would still think I did good gaining about 5 1/2 pounds! But, I felt really good about that trip still. I did have yogurt and fruit for breakfast, like I would at home. I never got a hamburger and fries when we went out. I got salads. We had pretty good snacks in the car, most of the time. We had graham crackers, lowfat wheat thins, licorice, etc. I just snacked with everyone else and didn't keep track of my points. The other thing I didn't do very well was get my water. Maverick has the very BEST Diet Mountain Dew! I had way more diet pop than usual, but I couldn't and didn't want to stop myself!

It was interesting though, how our mind tries to fall back into old habits when in old, familiar circumstances. I flew to SLC Sunday night with Lukas and Slade. Nick came the next morning after working all night. I got up early to go to the airport and stopped at Maverick on the way to get a drink. As I pulled up and got out of the car, my mind automatically thought, "Oh, you can get a cookie too!" Maverick has the best cookies. I hate to admit that I bought them way too often when we lived in UT. And even though I had not even thought of getting a cookie there, as soon I pulled up my mind went back to that old habit! I actually chuckled to myself, and thought, "No way." I did not buy a cookie that day, or any other day we were there!

Even though I did snack too much, and didn't track my points, I made a point to do it with my family. I didn't go and buy things secretly and eat them when nobody was looking. The old Karly would buy snacks to horde as often as possible and eat when nobody was looking. That is a behavior I am very careful to not start again. Another way that I gauged how I was doing was by how I felt. I didn't ever feel really sick and awful like I do when I overeat. And my clothes felt good...until the last day or two! I could feel the 5 lbs by then!

By this picture you can see we were having a lot of fun. This is one of our days at Lagoon.

While at Lagoon I had a little bit of personal business to take care of. You all must remember the story I told a few posts ago, where I was on a ride that the chest restraint couldn't close on me. They had to move me to the seat for 'big' people. Possibly, the most humiliated I have ever been. So, since I am back and over a 100 lbs smaller, I had to face that ride again. I walked up and got in line. My palms were still a little sweaty. They let us on and I went and sat in the 'normal' size chair. I was sure the restraint would fit, but still, I was nervous when I heard it start to come down. It came down and "Click" it locked into place. Still, I held my breath. Last time it was at this point, that they released all the seats and moved me. Nothing. The ride just started! YEA! I conquered it!

Here is the ride. I sat to the very far left. That felt so good!

I also ran my third 5K while in UT. It was special since I ran it with my three sister-in-laws:

Lindsay, Carrie, and Gina. It ended up being a really hard race to run! The day before Lindsay and I did an 8 mile run (my longest at that point) so my legs were beat. The race was also at Sugarhouse Park, and there are some hills!

But it was worth the hard run when I saw my boys rooting me on! They have never all been waiting for me at the end before! Slade ran out and followed me in. It also felt good to beat the girl that I had been behind the whole time!

I had another NSV (Non Scale Victory) on the lake. My brother Brad has a boat that he took us out on. We have been out before and they have one big life jacket that I could squeeze into to ride on the tube. But I have NEVER even thought about trying to get up on a boogie board, or water ski's or anything like that. Nor did anyone else suggest it, knowing it was not possible at my before weight. This time, Brad had a new toy that went along with his new boat...a surf board. He not only encouraged me to try it, but I fit in the regular life jacket that everyone else wears! AND....I did get up on the surf board and had some nice long rides! It was SO fun! It felt great to be able to do something new!

Here is an action shot!

So, after that we came home, and I did what I was hoping I could still do. I got back on track. I weighed in, saw the weight gain, and kept going. I got my tracker out and got back to keeping my points and getting my water.

Fast forward 2 weeks: Another trip to UT.

I took Lukas and Slade down to stay at my parents new house in Eden and go to a family reunion. Nick had to work this time, so he stayed home with the dog. I had the same kind of game plan going into this trip. I figured I wouldn't keep track of points while I was there (I should, but knew I probably wouldn't. I did take the tracker, and started, but didn't keep it up). By the second day I was eating pretty freely. It was mostly all with my family. We did have some snacks in our room that we had brought on the airplane. One was one of my old weaknesses that I didn't know would still be such a weakness. Fig Newtons. I did eat most of them in my room, not up there hiding out, but while I was getting ready in the morning or at night. And I have another weakness I have found. It is so boring...but it has gotten me. While in UT the first time, we had some plain old, regular M&Ms. They taste like heaven to me. I don't know why. I have never been a huge fan before. But I did have some of those while in UT the second time too.

To give a little background, my parents just moved this summer from Buffalo, NY to Eden, UT. Eden is so beautiful! They are situated in the most amazing mountains, by the lake, with horses and cows all around. It's breathtaking. It's a runner's paradise! I had two good runs, and decided to go on a longer one the last morning I was there. I measured a 6 mile route. When I got to my turnaround point, I saw a trail and couldn't help but take it and see where it went. Oh it was beautiful! It was the most enjoyable run I have ever had, and it ended up being 10 miles instead of 6!

I tell you this because as I ran, I went over all the eating related things that had been taking place the last few weeks. I realized that this summer I have really just been gaining and losing around the same 5 lbs. I also realized that I am okay with that! I have been doing a lot things, our schedule (even at home) has been hectic with sports, jobs, yard work, and trying to do fun things all the time while the weather is nice. But, even though I am okay with basically maintaining my weight, that doesn't it make it easy to work out all the emotions and thoughts I have had during this time. You know when you are going through a trial --- a trial in any part of your life --- and you know you are struggling and it's hard, but you also know it's a learning experience and you'll be stronger for it. That is what this summer, especially the last month, has been like for me. I still feel like I am in the middle of it!

It really is hard for me to vocalize all the things I have been thinking about. It's not hard because it's too private to share -- it's hard because I don't know how to write the train of thoughts that my brain goes on. It's a wild ride in my head! There are many of you reading this who do not have food struggles. You are thinking, "What is there to think about? What is there to learn" Even if you don't struggle with food, you struggle with something. We all do.

I am just going to put down some of my random 'trains of thought' because I need to get them out of my head!

*As I ran the 10 mile run I realized that even though I have not been eating as I should be, I am still a different person than I was last year. I was out running. I was running on my vacation. I was running on my vacation because I like to go running. I was not running out of guilt trying to burn extra calories. I was not running because I was scared of the weigh-in I would have when I got home. I was running because I have found something I enjoy. It's another way to push myself and challenge myself. If does help in weight loss. I have to exercise. But running is more than just trying to burn extra calories and lose weight. I am really changing me!

*Even though I know I am changing from the inside, there are those times I feel or see a glimpse of the old Karly's habits. That scares me. That scares me to death. It make me feel vulnerable again and like I still have so much to learn. It makes me realize that that 'old me monster' will never be gone. What if I let go and gained it all back? I can't ever let that happen. I mean, I am coming to understand that there will be gains here and there. The thought of gaining 20 lbs back feels like the end of the world...but I know I can jump on that and get it back down. I can never let the 100 + come back. Never. It's scary to know how vigilant I have to be to keep this off. But then I run a race, or surf behind the boat, or go on kids rides with my boys...and I know it's worth it. It's what I want and I won't go back!

*I am allowed a lot less food than when I started. I lose a point of food for every 10 lbs of weight I lose. I started at 38 points and now I can eat 25. There are ways to earn more but I try to not use those on a regular basis. But this last month or so, I am so munchy ALL the time! I feel those craving for sugar again. I don't feel satisfied like I used to. I am trying to learn how to satisfy while staying on plan. This is a huge part of my struggle this summer. I hate feeling like I always want to eat! It has led to more bites, licks and tastes! Those all add up and can slow weight loss and even cause weight gain! I have to remind myself that it's all part of the long-term plan to keep off the weight and being healthy. It's a lot to learn.

*There is such a fine line between expecting perfection from yourself, and understanding you are human. This applies to all us in every aspect of lives! For food and I, it's something that is hard for me. I am very black and white. Fire and ice. It's right or wrong. But that is not how this works. I have to expect myself to do good, but at the same time be understanding when it's not exactly like I wanted....even when I really blow it! Does that make sense?

When I came home from UT the second time, I continued in my vacation mode. It's the first time I have done that in the last year. It felt scary to not be able to follow the plan just how I wanted to. Then my food journal ran out, the school year is starting again, and I am almost at my 1 year anniversary with WW. It was the perfect 're-charge' time. I did go weight in but felt so awful and knew I had gained alot. (That morning I even put on my before pants just to make sure they didn't fit again!) I used my 'no weigh' pass. They had me get on the scale so I could see where I was, but they didn't look and didn't record it. Let me tell you, it was bad. But it kicked me in the rear and I am back on plan.

I still feel like I am learning right now how to make this work in the everyday world for the rest of my life. I still feel scared and uncertain at times. But I know I won't quit no matter how bad I feel. I just reminds me I felt a LOT worse when I started!

Thanks for listening to me ramble! I needed to clear my head. You guys really have no idea how much support you give me when you read this and cheer me on! Thank you!

No, This Blog is Not Retired!

My last post was May 23rd?

I knew it had been a while but didn't think it had been that long! Yes, I am still here and plugging along! I am sure you all think I have been doing so terribly that I was too ashamed to write! I have had some rough days, but that is not why it has been so long. It's called ---

S-u-m-m-e-r! Lukas got out of school and I am so busy trying to be on top of regular 'house duties' at the same time I am trying to do lots of activities to keep kids busy! My regular blogging time has not existed. Our family blog is horribly behind too! I actually don't have time to blog right now either! We are leaving for Utah tomorrow for a week and I have not even started packing! I wanted to at least report how I have been doing!

Thurs. May 27th

Lost: -4 lbs

Total Lost: -118.8 lbs

It felt great to have a good sized loss!

Thurs. June 3rd

Lost: -1.8 lbs

Total Lost: -120.6 lbs

Thurs. June 1oth

Lost: +.8

Total Lost: -119.8 lbs

Gain. That never feels good but I was okay. I kind of expected it. I had made Nick a homemade carrot cake to celebrate being done with Air Traffic Control training. I picked too much all week and it showed! When my leader found out, she said, "We are all relieved you are normal!" I have been lucky to have few gains. But, I was also worried because I knew the next week my friend Jennie and her son Caden were coming to visit. It was also Slade's birthday. It meant eating out and birthday cake. I felt a little 'prone to give in' and know I made the wrong choice more than I should have. I knew I would gain again.

Wed. June 23rd (switched to Wed. mtgs when Nick is off)
Lost: +1.0

Total Lost: -118.8 lbs

Yep. I knew it. It was not easy to see two in a row. But, I did feel like I won because the first day our company was gone, I got right back on strong and had a good week. I have talked about it before, so you all know that is a big weakness for me. It has always been hard for me to get back on track after 'straying' from my normal patterns. That is life though and one of the KEY lessons I have to keep practicing!

Wed. June 30th

Lost: -2.2 lbs

Total Lost: -121.0 lbs

YES! I got off what I gained plus another 1/2 pound! The world did not end because I gained! I will never tire of being proud of myself for getting it together and moving forward! I can't emphasize how important that ability is!

Wed. July 7th

Lost: -2.6 lbs

Total Lost: -123.6 lbs

I am so happy! I worked really hard to have a good loss again! I am so close to my 125 lb picture! I do have 8 days of vacation staring me in the face though, so I know it won't be for a couple of weeks yet. I am nervous, and I know I will have a gain when I get back. I am planning on keeping it to small gain, not like it used to be!

My Plan:

There are lots of time I don't need to eat off plan. Those are the times I will be sure to make good choices. Breakfast will be the same and I will have some point friendly snacks on hand. I will have my water bottle to keep getting my water in. When we eat at McDonalds (kids are already planning on that!) I will get the salad I love like usual, not a double quarter pounder! But other times, like at a nice dinner, or when our family goes out for ice cream -- I will enjoy it. I can still watch portion sizes, but be a little more relaxed. Plus, I have some running planned! I am running a 5K with my sisters-in-laws and am so excited! I will be doing some other running while there too!

So, it will be a few more weeks until I write again, but it won't be 7 weeks!

Wish me luck!

Not Scared Any More

On the Biggest Loser (My FAVORITE Show) the contestants often say something like, "I have already won the prize. I got my life back." This last weekend I realized that even though I have not hit my goal weight yet, I have won the prize. I am living my life again. I have accomplished one of the things I wanted most--- to be an active Mom!

I had a training class I had to attend in Minneapolis. Because of the flight schedule there I had to leave at 9am Sun and get back at 11pm Monday. Nick had to take off work to stay with the kids in order for me to go. So, we made a mini-vacation out of it since they can fly for free and the hotel was on the company! Our hotel was near the Mall of America. There is Nickelodeon Universe there. It's a theme park INSIDE the mall! It's crazy! Of course, since it's Nickelodeon it was based around all Lukas and Slade's favorite characters....the most important being Spongebob (Lukas) and Diego (Slade). Slade was not big enough to go on any rides by himself. I am the parent that has to take him, since just looking at them makes Nick sick to his stomach. I love rides, so I am happy to do it. But, amusement parks are also scary for people of my previous size.

I'll share a story.

We had season passes to Lagoon the summer before we moved to Great Falls. Slade was too small for anything, and Lukas was big enough to go by himself. So I didn't have to go on many kids rides. I do like big kid rides though, so Cinda and I would ride some once in a while. But I was very careful before going on...looking at the ride to see if I thought I could fit in the seat. It would be so HUMILIATING to not be able to go on the ride because I was too big..and have to walk past all the people as I leave. Well, there was one ride, I don't remember the name, that almost ruined it all. You have a shoulder harness that comes down over you and then it flips upside down and tosses you around. We are in our seats. The ride should be starting. Then I hear a click as all the seats are released. I tell Cinda, "It's me. I don't fit. I'm sure of it." Sure enough the operator comes over and starts pushing the harness down trying to get it to lock around me. He gives up and asks the two people beside us to trade spaces with Cinda and I. They are able to get it locked and the ride starts. I have never been so certain that I would plummet to my death, since I was sure I was still not restrained properly. I just thought they let me go to spare me any more humiliation. And humiliated I was. I felt like the scum of the earth. After we got off I had to fight to not cry. We then saw a chart by the ride that showed there were two 'big' seats....the ones they moved me to. That experience has stuck with me. You don't forget feeling that low. I felt the same way at Disneyland. I was very careful what I went on. I was going to go on Space Mountain because there was no line. But the sign said something like 'some larger people may not fit'. Ya, didn't even try.

The point of this story is that at Nickelodeon Universe I went on every kids ride I wanted to with Slade! I fit in them all. I wasn't even worried (well, a small part was thinking about my previous experience, but it passed after the first ride). I LIVED MY LIFE! I was the Mom that could take my 2 year old on fun rides! I was able to enjoy something that was so fun for my kids, without that small little voice saying, "You're Fat." I just lived.

I have pictures to prove it:

Swiper's Sweep was really fun!

You can see we are all laughing hysterically as it whips us around!

Diego's Rescue

We drove some Big Rigs

We took a Barnyard Hayride

And a balloon ride!

I am so grateful that I am changing my life now, while my kids are young. I hear so many at Weight Watchers say they want to be able to enjoy their Grandkids. I want to enjoy my Grandkids too, but not before I enjoy lots of years with my sweet boys as a healthy and active Mom!

I have two weigh-ins to report:

Thursday May 13th:
Lost: -1.6 lbs

Thursday May 20th (after being gone for 2 days):
Lost: -1.2 lbs
Total Lost: -114.8 lbs

The weight loss has slowed down some, but that is to be expected. I actually expected it to happen a lot sooner than it did! I am still losing almost every week, so I cannot complain! I just keep plugging away. I hope to get my 115 lb star this week. Only 10 more pounds to another picture comparison!

One more note: Nick and I are running another 5K June 12th! Yea! It's things like running races and going to amusement parks with my kids that are thrilling! I am really living my life again! Not just any life --- the life I want!

Checking In

I don't have much to report this week. It was a good week. And since it's my night off of work I just want go veg for a while! But I wanted to check in and report my weigh-in.

Lost: -2.6 lbs

Total Lost: -112 lbs

Three of the last five weeks I have lost exactly 2.6 lbs! That's a great loss for me --- no complaints here! I got my 110 lb star. By now you know I love those little milestone stickers!

I am feeling so great and feel so thankful that I have been able to get my life back! Lukas will now make comments about when I was 'round' as compared to now that I'm 'not round'! It's cute.

Here is a quote I came across that I like:

"Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it."

~Lou Holtz

I know changing my attitude is helping me succeed. I used to be mad that I was fat. It wasn't fair...even though it was my fault! I finally see that EVERYONE has burdens, even those people that seem to have it all. I am thankful losing weight is helping me in ways I didn't even know I needed, like having a more positive attitude!

5K

For those of you that look at our family blog, this will be a little repetitive for you. Nick and I did the 5K for our 11th Anniversary, so I posted about it there. But I want to document it on this blog too, from a little different point of view.

It went smoothly getting to Helena and getting registered for the race. But once we were there, and saw all the other people, some nerves did kick in! I would think to myself, "I should be able to beat that person...but I know I can't beat that one!" I started to worry about my pace and if I really would be the last one to come in! And for some reason, I had not really thought about the ending. People are standing there watching you finish! That seemed really nerve-wracking as I watched the 10K's finishing!

Nick is all ready to run the race!

I'm as ready as I'm going to be!

The time came to start. The gun went off and we all started moving. It took a few minutes for the mass to disperse. Then the fast ones got up front, the slow ones in the back, and Nick and I settled into our pace right in the middle. That was perfect for us. As soon as we were spread out I wasn't worried about where I was in relation to everyone else. Though, my mind did play a trick on me. I would see other people stop jogging and walk. I thought, "Maybe this is harder than I thought and I should walk too?" I quickly reminded myself that I have been jogging this same distance 3 -4 times a week. I didn't need to walk now. When I reminded myself of that I was really proud that Nick and I were able to keep jogging. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of all the people that were there --- walking, jogging and running. But Nick and I had set a goal to not walk, so I was really proud of us! We did jog the whole way!

Silly Side note: There were two water stations along the way. At one I took a little drink. The funnest thing ever was taking a sip, crumpling up my cup, and throwing it along the side of the road! (Others did it before me...I knew it was okay!) But I have always seen that on TV and it felt so good to do it and be the person in the race!

We knew we were getting close to the end of the race. We could see a turn coming that would take us on the last 200 yards or so to the arch where the race ended. There were two girls that we had been near the whole time. They would be in front of us, then walk, we'd pass, they pass, then walk, we pass, etc. As we approached the last turn Nick said, "We have been by them the whole time. I know you want to pass them. Go. Finish before them." I hesitated because we wanted to stay together. But he insisted --- so I picked up my pace.

I passed them and rounded that last corner. As I saw that arch and realized I was going to finish my first 5K, I was overcome with emotion. I saw myself over 100 lbs ago and then now, finishing a race. I broke into tears and just sobbed. I looked behind me and saw nobody was close to me, and I still had a ways until I finished. I let myself feel all those emotions and just cried. I can't even describe all the things I was feeling. I just can't believe how different my life is from 9 months ago. And it's not just the outside that has changed. I am changing the very person I am. I am changing my actual identity. I am not just eating different, but thinking different. I have new interests. All of this was flashing through my mind and I just ran harder. I started to get closer so I wiped my eyes. It felt so wonderful to cross through that finish line with people clapping, saying good job, good finish!

I turned around and Nick was right with those other girls. He's nice and didn't want to sprint on them. He finished five people behind me. We finished right in the middle of all the participants --- we are really happy with that! We walked arm and arm to cool down. I cried some more and Nick just hugged me. He knows me so well! He knew I needed that moment at the end. He wanted me to finish alone so I could really soak it all in! What an amazing husband I have!

We are one happy couple!

Nick said, "I'm running for the T-Shirt!"

He got it!

This T-shirt means alot to me too!

We got certificates as well.

This was such an amazing experience! It would have been wonderful alone, but it was unbelievable doing it with my best friend and lover (can I say lover on my blog)?


I have heard running races is addicting. I now know that it's true! We are looking for our next race to run this summer. I have increased my mileage this week by half a mile. I want to slowly keep adding distance. It feels so good to be outside, have my legs pounding the ground, my arms swinging, my heart pumping, little sweat drops dripping from my hair. It hurts too --- but there are parts of every jog where I hit that 'sweet spot' where it's easy to jog, my breathing is easy, the perfect song comes on, and it just feels exhilarating! Those moments push me when I am tired, it hurts, and I want to stop. It has made exercise have more purpose and it's fun to have little mini-goals every week. And I am just a 'beginning' jogger --- I am in awe of these people that have been doing it for a long time and go for miles and miles. I will get there one day. For now, I am very proud of my first race!

Since we did run this race for our anniversary, we did eat out lots more than usual. We went out Friday night, Subway after the race, and a surprise lunch out Monday (our actual anniversary). I was nervous to weigh in. I guess I have two weigh-ins to report!

Thursday (4/22) before the race:
Lost: -2.6 lbs

Thursday (4/29) after race and dinners:
Lost: -.8

Total Lost: -109.4 lbs

I was thrilled to lose .8 after going out alot. I did try to keep track, and didn't eat my whole entree. But at the same time, I enjoyed myself and was a little more relaxed. I never lost control though, and just went 'hot wild' like I would have before. Even on previous diets that I was doing good on, I would lose control at these special occasions. It would derail me for weeks! I enjoyed these meals, stayed in control, and kept right on going like normal at the very next meal! It is the moments like that where I see the new identity I am creating for myself. I really am a different, healthier and wiser person on the inside!

One Person per Pant Leg

It's so nice outside today I don't want to be sitting at the computer! But while Slade is sleeping I wanted to check-in....we'll go for a walk when he wakes up!

It was another week, which means another weigh in. It was my 32nd weigh in to be exact!

Lost: -1.2 lbs

Total Lost: -106 lbs

*Got my next 5 lb star!*

It wasn't a huge loss, but it got me my next 5 lb star, which gets me closer to my ultimate goal! It seems like I was just working to hit 100 lbs --- now I'm working toward 110! It amazes me sometimes how just plodding along, day after day, really adds up!

I am also realizing that the things I do every day are not something I have to work so hard to implement anymore. These are habits now. It seems normal. I remember another WW member telling me years ago that it was habit for her, and I could not imagine feeling like that. Amazingly, that's how I feel now. It seems foreign to me that you wouldn't keep track of everything you eat. I can't imagine not getting all my water every day. I am grateful for this....if it never felt natural it would be hard to do it for a lifetime!

When I see a picture like the one below --- It reminds me why I continue to work hard and make sure these are lifetime changes!

Yes, Lukas is standing in one pant leg and I am in the other.

Yikes! And those pants were really tight and uncomfortable!

Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.

~Jim Ryun

This is the perfect quote! I just found it and can't believe how it says JUST what I was talking about! I will say this for habits though....I always hear you can make/break a habit in 21 days. For me, it has taken approximately 224 days to feel like the new actions are new habits! I must be a slow learner!

Wish Nick and I good luck ---- we run our 5K this Saturday. Hopefully, I'll have pictures next week to document the momentous occasion of US running a race!

Trying Something New

Thank you to all of you for the nice comments everyone has left. Your support and excitement for me is such a boost to help me keep going! Thank You!

Every day I am finding new ways that losing weight has helped me and new things I am able to do. It's like another side of life is opening up that has been closed for a long time. My newest excitement is jogging! I have not jogged as a form of exercise since I was about 10 (yes, I was working on my weight even then!) Even as I have been losing weight I wasn't thinking that it was something I wanted to try. I have been very content on my elliptical machine and doing my Biggest Loser Workout Videos.

There was a really nice day outside a month ago that Nick and I decided to go on a really fast walk instead of staying inside to exercise. Lukas was at school so we put Slade in the stroller and set off. We were movin' it...so much so that it was natural to start a slow jog to keep the pace. I ended up jogging a good bit that walk and was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. Then when we were in UT we stayed with my sister-in-law Lindsey, who is a marathon runner now! (Yay Lindsey!) She and I went for a walk/jog and I loved it! It was one of my favorite parts of the trip. She asked if I had ever thought of doing a race of some sort. It had crossed my mind and then went right back out....maybe farther down the road. But after we got home I was jogging again and loved it! I had the second wind come in and went a lot further than I planned.

I decided I would like to do a race, but not alone!

"Oh Nick...want to run a 5K with me?"

We have been training for 2 weeks and are running (jogging) our first 5K for our 11th wedding anniversary! We are going to Helena April 23rd to stay the night. We will do our race the next morning. We are so excited!

The best part for me is seeing how excited Nick is! Once he said he was on board he has jumped right in! He put together a training plan and has stuck to it! He went from alternating walking and jogging to being able to jog the whole thing! I am SO proud of him! He is feeling great and loves having the race as a goal! The goal for both of us is to jog the whole thing without stopping to rest or walk.

I have also noticed that while jogging I have such feelings of gratitude. I try to not think about how much farther I have to go, but enjoy the moment I am in. I think about the pretty trees, the different houses, the big beautiful blue sky. I think about my legs being able to go more steps every day. I think about my arms swinging, my heart pumping, my lungs working! I think about how thankful I am for the weight I have lost that allows me to be jogging! I think about the changes I have made that are inside and just as important! I have been overcome with these feelings on every jog I have been on (don't worry, there are lots of other moments where I am thinking about the pain and just willing myself to not quit!) It feels good to just be thankful for a few minutes and give a prayer of all thanks, not asking for anything.
.

Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone.

~G.B. Stern

I am so happy that my changes are helping my entire family be more active and healthy! That is what I wanted. I want to be a good example for my kids and husband...

This week at weigh in:

Lost: - 2.6 lbs

Total Lost: -104.8 lbs

Life is good!

I am THRILLED to say...

I have lost 102.2 lbs!

The week after my gain I weighed in and:

Lost: -3.6 lbs

Total Weight Loss: -100.4 lbs

I made my goal of losing 100 lbs by the end of March!

This is my Weight Watchers leader, Alice, giving me my 100 lb charm.

It's a staged picture after the meeting so we are laughing and looking really cheesy!

I was really not expecting it that week, which is probably why I was able to make it! I was so excited I did cry! I was with my leader Alice and she hugged me and was so happy for me too!

Then I weighed in Thurs, April 1st:
Lost: -1.8 lbs
Total Weight Loss: -102.2 lbs

I don't think it would surprise anyone that I am really proud of this accomplishment! Losing 100 lbs feels just as wonderful as I always imagined it would feel. I can move easier in every possible way. I don't have any pain in my feet when I get up. My heals are still not pretty, but they don't hurt like they used to. I can tie my shoes and put my socks on without thinking about it. I can buckle my seat belt on a plane and even have to tighten it! I can have my kids sit on my lap because I have a lap now! I could go on, and on, and on.

Here is the newest installment of pictures ---

I feel so blessed to be where I am now when I think of where I was. I am so thankful that I have made real changes in my life that will allow me to keep this weight off. I am NEVER going back to where I was! I'm not done yet, but I am so proud of how far I have come. I have no doubt that I will finish the losing part of my journey and then start the maintaining phase of the rest of my life!

A Hard Lesson

I was out of town last weekend and did not get a post done! I thought about skipping the report from that week, but it is an important one with lots of lessons I need to record for myself!

So let's not beat around the bush. I did NOT get to 100 lbs this week. In fact, I had my first gain.

Loss this week: +1 lbs

Total Lost: -96.8 lbs

# lbs to 100: 3.2 (as of 3/18)

I'm not going to lie....that was rough to see. Not only was it my first time to gain, but it came on the week I was hoping to reach 100 lbs. I acted like it was fine and went and sat down to stay for the meeting. Truthfully, I was fighting back tears and trying to look occupied so nobody would talk to me.

I got home and Nick was there waiting to see how I did. I broke down in tears. I mean, I cried on Nick for 20 - 30 minutes as if my best friend had died! You have to know that I understand gaining 1 lb is NOT the end of the world...I understand that in my logical mind, but at the moment I didn't understand that in my heart. In that moment when I saw I gained 1 lb, the other 96.8 lbs I had lost disappeared. It felt like I had accomplished NOTHING.

But as I sat and cried and talked about it I knew I was not just crying over 1 lb. There was just so much pressure built up on me from losing for 27 straight weeks, and being so close to 100 lbs -- and then gaining. I was releasing all of that stress, and pressure, and worry, and expectation. Nobody had put all of these feelings on me but myself. It just happened. I did not set out to lose 27 weeks in a row. Nobody would ever make that goal! But as it did happen, the pressure to keep losing kept getting stronger!

Then there is that 100 lb milestone right in front of me! 2.2 lbs away and I would be there. That week I did what I have tried so hard not to do. I completely focused on the number on the scale. I would stand over my tracker (where I record my food) and agonize over what good food to eat. I was only thinking of choices that would help me lose weight, but I was over analyzing every little thing. At work I was so focused on getting extra stairs in. I even had a message on my cell phone banner telling me how far it was to 100lbs! The day before I weighed in I didn't even get my Diet Mountain Dew that I have every day (I get one Saturday night and save it for Sunday! I know I'm a nerd!) I just stressed myself out so much trying to be sure I lost enough to hit 100 lbs. I didn't do anything 'wrong' that would make me gain weight...I was just focused on the wrong things and over stressed!!!

And it backfired. My body said "No way. This is not how we work!"

So the tears started to slow as I talked it out with Nick --

--- By the way, I have the most AMAZING husband who didn't say one time that I was being silly or overreacting. He hugged me and let me cry and helped me talk it out! Thanks Babe! I LOVE YOU! I am so lucky to have my Nick ! ---

I brought myself back to reality that I didn't look different from gaining 1 lb. I of course have still accomplished alot losing 96.8 lbs. This was a good lesson for me that I knew I would have and that I know I needed. I mean, it is ridiculous to think I will never gain any weight...I never did think that, but it's hard to remember that when it slaps you in the face! Even when I am at my goal weight, maintaining my loss, I will not stay on the same number every week! This is a part of weight loss and eventually maintenance that I have to learn to handle and learn from. The old WW saying, "Feedback not Failure" is exactly what has happened here.

So I processed all of this, and got ready for the next week. I changed my cell phone banner to say, "Just the next 5lbs" I stopped over analyzing every little 'good food' I was eating. I made good choices while in Utah to keep me on track. I kept drinking my water and got my exercise that week. This was a hard lesson, but a very valuable one. I know I will keep moving forward, but it's okay if it's not forward EVERY week. If I keep making good choices I will reach my next goal, and eventually my final goal!

I weighed in again this last Thursday (3/25). You'll have to wait for the next post to see how the week after the gain went...

Yummy Recipe!

Now I'm getting REALLY excited!

Loss this week: -2.4 lbs

Total Lost: -97.8 lbs

# of lbs to 100: 2.2!

I am SO CLOSE! EEEKKKK! I hope I can lose 2.2 lbs this week. But I have lost over 2 lbs for several weeks now, so I am not sure I'll lose that much! But I am sure trying!!! I will be trying to sneak in even more bits of activity. I never know which calorie burned will be the one to put me over that edge and help me lost that next pound!

The thing that I have been trying to be a little better on is tiny 'picks'. Just a sliver of grated cheese, or an extra spoon of lite cool whip when I am putting it on my jello or pudding. A few sunflowers in my mouth as I put them on my salad. They are all very small...but I know they add up. So I am really working to eliminate some of that. I am also finding that with the number of points I now have (I lose a point every 10 lbs I lose) I have to be more selective with my choices. Before I could have a few bites of something and count it. But now I don't have enough to be able to 'afford' that in my daily allowance.

I am also being more and more selective about what my family eats. Lukas for example, does not need to lose any weight! He is skin and bones! But I still want to feed him the right kids of foods and not fill him up with trans fat and hydrogenated oils! I still feel like my kids get too many snacks sometimes, even though they eat a lot of fruit, dairy products, and I offer vegetables (Slade will eat them, it's a fight with Lukas). They are definitely eating less junk now that I don't eat junk. One thing that comes to mind is that they would not drink water before. Wonder why...because I didn't drink it. Now they drink water and don't have a fit if I put it in their glass.

I have mentioned before that Thursday, which is my weigh-in day, is also the day I have treats. It's the day I make cookies, or brownies, etc. for us to enjoy that day and for them to have in the house for the week. It lets me still bake for them, and eat and have some at the right time. I commented to Nick that it's a healthy way to have a treat...with my family. I don't go out and buy a stash for the day that I eat when nobody is looking. I am NOT continuing the bad habits. I have created a positive way to 'indulge' and not feel deprived. Also, I am not tempted during the week because I have had them. Chocolate chip cookies are a favorite at our house. When I used to make them, a double batch was gone in 2 days. Now I can double the recipe and they last a week. That tells me my boys are eating them much slower!

I found a new recipe that I want to share. It's called a Healthy Makeover from Good Housekeeping. I have made them twice and our family LOVES them just as much as the original ones I used to make. Why do I feel better about them....there is half the sugar. Also, in my old recipe I used 4 1/2 sticks of butter! When doubled this one calls for half of that and a healthier butter. I also make them small...they turn out to be half the size of a regular cookie. So when the kids say, "Can I have just one cookie?" they are getting a smaller serving. Anyway, here it is:

Chocolate Chip-Oatmeal Cookies

Each cookie:

About 80 cal, 1 g prot, 11 g carbs,

4 g total fat (1 g saturated), 1 g fiber,

4 mg cholesterol, 70 mg sodium.

Prep: 15 minutes

Bake: they say 12 min/batch -- I bake my 9 min/batch

Makes: 4 dozen cookies -- I double it

1/2 c packed brown sugar

1/2 c granulated sugar

1/2 c trans fat-free vegetable oil spread (60%-70% oil)

I use 1/2 c butter spread that has omega 3 oils, and one stick margarine (this alters nutrition info a little)

1 lg egg

1 lg egg white

2 tsp vanilla extract

1 1/4 c all purpose flour

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

2 1/2 c quick-cooking or old fashioned oats, uncooked (I used whole grain oats)

1 c bittersweet (62% cacao) or semisweet chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 35o degrees

2. I large bowl, with mixer on medium-low speed, beat sugars and vegetable spread until well blended, occasionally scraping bowl. Add egg, egg white, and vanilla; beat until smooth. Beat in flour, baking soda, and salt until mixed.

3. With wooden spoon, stir in oats and chocolate chips until well combined.

4. Drop dough by rounded measuring tablespoons, 2 inches apart, on ungreased large cookie sheet.

5. Bake until golden brown...cool on wire rack.

Give them a try!

Well, it's time to go make dinner. I am trying a new WW recipe for 'fried chicken' and gravy. I'll let you know if it's worth sharing!

They're Here

I am finally getting this blog done this week!

I hate it when I am so excited to tell everyone the good news...but just can't seem to get it posted!

The good news: I got my 95 lb star!

Loss this week: -3.8 lbs

Total Lost: -95.4 lbs

# of lbs to 100: 4.6!

I was not expecting that big of a loss! I was ecstatic to get my 95lb star the week after getting my 90 lb! I am even more happy with how close that puts me to 100 lbs lost! My next mini-goal of 5 lbs will put me at 100 lbs! W O W. I am still on track to hit 100 lbs by my last weigh-in of March, which will be March 25th. That is beyond comprehension to me!

I know my mind has not caught up to where I am. I still sometimes visualize myself at the 50 lbs lost picture. Part of the problem is that I don't have a full length mirror. I just see my head and shoulders all the time. Unless, I peek a look in the store window, which nobody wants to get caught doing! I should get a mirror...they probably only cost $10 for a cheap one. That's why I love the before and after pictures because I finally get to look at myself and see where I am! I know how much better I feel and how much better it feels to just function in life...but I want to enjoy the looking better too! Is that so wrong?

I gave you the good news. Now, I have some bad news too:

Do you see this ooey, gooey, mouth-watering, scrumptious goodness?

Oh yes --- it's my arch enemy.

The Cadbury Creme Egg.

I LOVE them. I could eat a ridiculous amount of them during the Easter season. And now, that season is here again. They are lurking EVERYWHERE. Endcaps, little boxes by the checkouts, special little wire baskets in the middle of aisles, grocery stores, convenient stores, single eggs, little mini eggs, four packs....EVERYWHERE! Most seasonal items I can hold my own against pretty well. But Cadbury season is in a league of it's own.

At Weight Watchers we talk about trigger foods. Foods that are a RED light for us. They are dangerous to our well being and success.

These are one of my biggest triggers, and they are:

Don't panic...I have not had one. ( And they aren't really evil, I just have to be cautious around them.) But I am not kidding myself either. If I don't have one this season (or 2) I will regret it all year long and it will build inside me until I see them again next year. At first sight I will erupt and start buying 4 packs like a mad woman! So for now I am just keeping my distance. I don't pick them up to feel them (well, only once). I am trying not to think of them and long for them right now. Easter is in a few weeks. When it's time I will decide when and how many, and savor them when I am in complete control. That is the key to enjoying these foods. Portion control and the mental state that I am in. I can tell from my internal dialogue if I can handle a special treat okay or not. That is an important step for me to keep myself in check.

I love reading through quotes. A random quote that I really like:

“The big secret in life is that there is no big secret. Whatever your goal, you can get there if you’re willing to work.”

~ Oprah Winfrey

Work really is the key, no matter what our goals are. As I have seen myself really work for this goal and to be succeeding, shows me with hard work I can change other areas in my life that need work too! I have more confidence in myself to do things I didn't think I could!

"Mindfulness"

I read a great article this week in Ladies Home Journal. I have never read Ladies Home Journal before, but you'd be amazed at how many people leave magazines on the plane that I get to keep and read for free!

It has been a long time since I have had to cite my sources for a paper or something, but just so I am not breaking some law I will tell you the information I am going to paraphrase is from Ladies Home Journal March 2010 issue. The article is Life is Good...Don't Miss it! By Catherine Newman. (I know any good librarian would never initial my bibliography with that info, but it will have to do...did anyone else have to get them initialed by the librarian before you could had it in?)

Anyway, I love this article. I reminded me to not take life for granted.

It talks about the condition of modern life: hurrying, multitasking, and making so many connections in a day that we don't realize how disconnected we have become. I know I will be talking to Lukas about his day, but my mind is thinking about what I have to do next. I am not really connecting with him. How many times has Nick come home from work and I say, "Hi...how was your day?" but really I am doing something else at the same time and not really listening.

Chris Germer, Ph.D, says we need to remind ourselves, however corny it may sound, that this is it. This is our life. We need to be IN every moment. You may be playing a game with your kids, eating with your spouse, walking outside, doing the dishes, etc. But really, life is only a series of these little moments! And when we rush through them we are in danger of missing the whole thing!

There is a new practice to help us focus on the present moment, called "Mindfulness". It can help to treat ADD and compulsive eating, stress, anxiety...and more! That was always one of my biggest problems when it came to eating. Mindless eating. That is why WW teaches you to track the food you eat. It makes you think about every time you go to put food in your mouth! You would not believe how many extra calories you can eat by taking a 'bite here' and a 'bite there' with mindless snacking. You are eating --- but not tasting the food, or enjoying it, or paying any attention to the quantity.

There is a seven step plan to help you be more Mindful of the present:

Be here, Now

Do less multitasking, get more done

Slow Down

Take a deep breath

Unplug - from technology (once in a while)

Pay attention to the triggers that remind you to be mindful

Let yourself be happy

This article struck me in two ways: eating and day to day.

Like I said earlier, if I am not being mindful of what I am eating I will eat more than I want and things I didn't want to eat! But also when I am eating the right foods I try to focus on it and really taste it, savor it, and enjoy it. If I don't it will be gone before I know it, my points are gone, and I don't feel like I ate at all.

I am really trying to be more mindful in my day to day life too. I want to really listen to Lukas when he tells me about his day. I am trying to stop what I am doing when I hear Nick come home and go hug him and talk to him. When I am kneeling on the bathroom floor, waiting for Slade to "pee in the potty" I am trying to just be there, with Slade, and enjoy that moment with my son. I know I have a lot of room to improve, but being aware is the first step. I know before I know it, the things that can drive me crazy now --- like kid messes, boys fighting, little smart mouths --- will be what I miss when they are gone. I want to enjoy this wonderful time of my life.

We took they boys to Mc Donald's on Friday to let them have one of their favorite meals and play. I usually get bored and want to go before they do, but I really tried to just be in this moment and enjoy watching my boys have fun. Nick and I helped Slade play basketball and had a blast doing it, while Lukas ran around with the new friends he made there!

Oh, ya....I weighed in too!

Loss this week: -2.4 lbs

Total Lost: -91.6 lbs

*Got 90 lb star*

# lbs to lose to 100: 8.4 lbs

I am still hoping to reach 100lbs by the end of March. I have 4 more weigh-ins to do it!

Strive to be the Stream

This week marked a milestone. Not in pounds, but in persistence.

I started Weight Watchers 6 months or 24 weeks ago.

This is the first time in my adult life that I have really stuck-it-out on a weight loss plan. I guess that's probably why it's working this time!

This is the first time I have been to all but 2 meetings, tracked my food, drank my water, made exercise a priority, and make good food choices the majority of the time.

During this process a quote that I have heard many times has become my very favorite:

"In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins--not through strength but by perseverance."

-- H. Jackson Brown

I just have to strive to keep being the stream...and I'll reach my goal.

Weight in Report:

Loss this week: -1.2 lbs

Total Lost: -89.2 lbs

# left to 100 lbs: 10.8 lbs

I missed the 90 lb star by less than a pound --- hopefully next week!

Stress and Stairs

Another week has flown by! Some days seem so long, but overall the time just goes *snap* and the week is done! I have often heard people trying to lose weight say that time is going to pass anyway...we might as well be losing weight as it passes. I am happy to be finally losing as time passes!

I did weigh in last Thursday:

Lost: -3 lbs

Total Lost: -88 lbs

Pounds left to 100: 12!

I am so happy with 3 lbs in a week. I just feel so blessed that all the hard work is paying off week after week. I am in my 24th week and I have not had one gain. I have lost at least 1.2lbs every week! That is mind-boggling to me!

I was discussing this with my sister, Cinda, and talking about how crazy that is! In fact, at my meeting a few weeks ago when I got my 85lb star, the lady in front of me, was actually mad. She said under her breathe to herself, in an exasperated tone, "HOW does she do that?" I am sure some people think I am taking some 'diet aid' to help me. I tell them over and over again at my meeting that I am just REALLY following the program and that it's working! But don't get confused by those numbers...I have worked hard for every one of them! Just because I have lost every week, that does not mean it has been easy! I have had lots of hard days where I didn't want to eat the right foods, or didn't want to exercise. I have had tons of temptations: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines, birthdays, and vacations. I have been on prednisone for my asthma that makes me gain weight. I have had several sicknesses. I have always been a huge {EMOTIONAL} eater, especially with stress! This time I am just working through these challenges and not giving up when I used to.

In fact, yesterday would have been one of those "King Size FastBreak Bars Day" for the old Karly. It was just one of THOSE days ---- we have one broken car, the other one was acting up, and it felt like the end of the world because money is always too tight. It seems car repairs are never in the budget. We also had a conflict of work schedules so we were looking to have to pay a babysitter when we weren't expecting too. On most days, those are things that we just deal with in life. But yesterday, for some reason, it felt like everything was toppling down on us. It is that 'helpless' feeling that would always send me to the s u g a r. It would make it all seem okay, for the 45 seconds it took to consume it! In all the booklets I get from WW, to things I read online, they say "do something else. talk to a friend. exercise instead." Truthfully, I just thought that would not work for me. I would just have to white knuckle through those situations.

Yesterday I turned another corner ---

Lukas was playing at a friend of ours house. I went to get him and ended up talking to my friend for about an hour. We just had a good 'girl chat' where I could vent my frustrations and talk about the world that felt like was falling on my head! She didn't come up with any new ideas, but just talking and laughing and knowing she has had days like that....helped! I told her she saved me from eating a candy bar today!

She also had my kids go to her house that night while Nick and I overlapped at work, so we didn't have to track down and pay a babysitter (I was having trouble finding one on a school night anyway!) It was wonderful of her, but still stressful for me in actually getting them to her house, in pjs, settled and quiet, and off to work on time. By the time I was at work I was feeling worked up about the whole day again. Something totally foreign happened to me --- I thought to myself, "I am too stressed right now. I need to relieve it. I need to go run the stairs to feel better."

Did you catch that?

I WANTED to run stairs in order to FEEL BETTER.

I did.

There is a big set of stairs that go alongside the escalator in the airport. My friend Lis and I try to do 5 or so sets on nights when it's not too crazy. Last night, I just went up, walked to the other side, went down, etc....I lost count but I know it was at least 20 round trips. After about 10 I started to sweat, I focused on clearing my mind, I told myself to let go of the stress. I found myself enjoying the stairs and going faster, pushing harder.

This mountain lion display is between the escalators, and the stairs are on the other side of the escalators. This picture is taken just below half-way. You can see they are not football stadium stairs, but it's a good little climb. It's a climb I never took before starting this journey.

And guess what?

I felt better when I was done. I had relieved stress without a candy bar. I had enjoyed pounding out those stairs. And I have been stressed LOTS of other times since starting this weight loss journey. This is just the first time that I actually had a desire to handle it with a different outlet. I have not eaten any FastBreak bars while on this journey, but I also haven't done anything else as a way to relieve the stress....until yesterday.

That is proof to me that a new Karly is emerging that is not a fluke or a Karly that is going to let herself revert to old ways. The new Karly is changing the very definition that she had always had of herself.

I like the new Karly.

I love this quote:

Things do not change; we change.

~Henry David Thoreau

Henry David Thoreau is right. I am learning that. Car troubles will always be stressful, money will never be plentiful enough, work schedules will never be perfect. Those things won't change. How I react to them is what has to change. Thankfully, I have experienced the first change --- had the first desire to actually deal with the stress in a positive way.

Countdown to...

My 'blog time' has been diminished due to a change in our church schedule! Now we don't get done until 2pm, and it's easily 3pm/3:30pm by the time kids are fed, Slade down for his nap, and Lukas is settled for quiet time! I used to be able to take a little nap and then get both blogs done! Last week I was so tired that I took a nap instead of blogging, thinking I would fit it in this week. You can tell that didn't happen since it's Sunday again! Am I the only one that feels like I can't get everything done that I should/want to?

Anyway....I now have two weigh-ins to report.

January 28th: (1 week after being home from Buffalo)

Lost: -5 lbs

Total Lost: -82.4 lbs

*Got 80 lb star*

February 4th:

Lost: -2.6 lbs

Total Lost: -85.0 lbs

*Got 85 lb star*

yEa!

To say I am excited is just a teensy-weensy bit of an understatement! I am tHriLlEd It is hard to believe I could actually, really, myself --- lose 85 lbs! But I also know how hard I have worked and am thankful that it's paying off!

You know what else it means, right?

The COUNTDOWN to 100 pounds has started!!!

I am 15 pounds away from reaching the 100 lb mark. That is a mark that has always seemed so far fetched, so unattainable, so somebody else I read about in a magazine. Not now. Now it's my turn to reach that monumental milestone! It's not my turn because I won the 'weight loss lottery' --- it's my turn because I decided to take control of my life and of the kind of future I will have.

Kind of funny story:

I mentioned above that I got my 80 and 85 lb stars. I was telling my Dad and he asked if they were gold, or silver, maybe bronze? I said, "They are gold STICKERS with a 5 on them!" He said, "You are this excited to get a STICKER? I thought you were getting bling!" ABSOLUTELY I am excited! Every one of those little 5 lb stickers means the next goal was met! I love looking at my bookmark on the fridge and seeing those 17 stars there! That is such an accomplishment for me. It's a tangible thing to show I reached that mini-goal. I have found that those 5 lb mini-goals really add up beautifully!

I know my last post was not too exciting...just lots of mumbo-jumbo that I needed to write to have it all make sense in my head. But one of the things I talked about was really confirmed to me when I lost 5 lbs after being gone for a week. One of my biggest road-blocks to successful, permanent weight loss was getting off track and not being able to get back on. It was all or nothing. Fire or Ice. I was doing perfectly or whetever is the opposite of perfectly! In Buffalo I was finally able to enjoy a 'splurge' and get right back on program. I had a mentor named Karen at Diet Center many, many years ago. I have always remembered her saying that "one day won't kill you, but a week will!" By golly, she was right! Even though I did splurge, and kind of 'fell off the wagon' a bit for that 29 hours, I was still able to lose the next week because I just picked up and kept going. That right there is one of the most VALUABLE lessons I can teach myself.

I also had a friend tell me that she can apply these lessons I talk about to her everyday life. She talked about how it helped her realize that just because she doesn't read her scriptures one day, doesn't mean she can't do it the next just because she wasn't 'prefect' at it. Thanks Sylvia! You are so right. These are lessons that go far beyond just food.

And speaking of friends, that is the other thing I have been thinking about these last few weeks --- how much I appreciate all the support all of you are giving me! My mother-in-law Cindy sent me a card, my sister-in-law Lindsey made me a CD of some of her favorite workout music, my sister Cinda sent me an e-card, my Dad did a blog about me on his blog, I have gotten phone calls and messages on this blog, messages on facebook, nice messages and emails from people I don't know who have been shown my blog by other people, etc.! I cannot express how much it means to me. You guys are the chorus in my head cheering me on when it gets tough!

THANK YOU!

These are two quotes I like.

Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

~Unknown

You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.

~Jim Rohn

We are all in charge of ourselves. That really is the only thing we can REALLY change. Thankfully, we can lean on and support each other as we help each other, but we ourselves have to do the actual work, no matter what goal we are reaching for. That is another 'duh' moment I have had through this process. I may have all the support in the world, and people that wish they could do some of it for me, but it comes down to me. Just me. I have to be the one to decide what I will put in my mouth, if I will write it down, if I will exercise, if I will drink my water, and on and on. I am so grateful I have finally decided to change this part of me. It makes me a happier and healthier Karly!

I told my Mom I would post a picture of the hat she knitted and sent me.

I LOVE it Mom. Thank You!

A couple pictures of new clothes I got in NY.

Thanks again Mom and Dad!

I hope everyone has a Happy and HEALTHY week!