Ramblings of a Weight Watchers Woman

After a fun and busy summer, which I have thoroughly enjoyed, I realize how much I have missed doing this blog and going to my WW meetings. I have done this blog a few times, but not like I was before the summer. It really does help me work through all the things I am thinking and feeling. The good and the bad. I have also been going to WW meetings when I am home, but have missed 3 or 4 between being gone, or just getting home, or having company. Plus, I had to switch to Wed. meeting and it's not the same. I miss my Thurs. group. I hope I can go back to it this fall.

In my last entry I talked about the trip we were taking to UT. I had very good intentions to only gain a little bit. And if you had any idea how easily I gain weight, you would still think I did good gaining about 5 1/2 pounds! But, I felt really good about that trip still. I did have yogurt and fruit for breakfast, like I would at home. I never got a hamburger and fries when we went out. I got salads. We had pretty good snacks in the car, most of the time. We had graham crackers, lowfat wheat thins, licorice, etc. I just snacked with everyone else and didn't keep track of my points. The other thing I didn't do very well was get my water. Maverick has the very BEST Diet Mountain Dew! I had way more diet pop than usual, but I couldn't and didn't want to stop myself!

It was interesting though, how our mind tries to fall back into old habits when in old, familiar circumstances. I flew to SLC Sunday night with Lukas and Slade. Nick came the next morning after working all night. I got up early to go to the airport and stopped at Maverick on the way to get a drink. As I pulled up and got out of the car, my mind automatically thought, "Oh, you can get a cookie too!" Maverick has the best cookies. I hate to admit that I bought them way too often when we lived in UT. And even though I had not even thought of getting a cookie there, as soon I pulled up my mind went back to that old habit! I actually chuckled to myself, and thought, "No way." I did not buy a cookie that day, or any other day we were there!

Even though I did snack too much, and didn't track my points, I made a point to do it with my family. I didn't go and buy things secretly and eat them when nobody was looking. The old Karly would buy snacks to horde as often as possible and eat when nobody was looking. That is a behavior I am very careful to not start again. Another way that I gauged how I was doing was by how I felt. I didn't ever feel really sick and awful like I do when I overeat. And my clothes felt good...until the last day or two! I could feel the 5 lbs by then!

By this picture you can see we were having a lot of fun. This is one of our days at Lagoon.

While at Lagoon I had a little bit of personal business to take care of. You all must remember the story I told a few posts ago, where I was on a ride that the chest restraint couldn't close on me. They had to move me to the seat for 'big' people. Possibly, the most humiliated I have ever been. So, since I am back and over a 100 lbs smaller, I had to face that ride again. I walked up and got in line. My palms were still a little sweaty. They let us on and I went and sat in the 'normal' size chair. I was sure the restraint would fit, but still, I was nervous when I heard it start to come down. It came down and "Click" it locked into place. Still, I held my breath. Last time it was at this point, that they released all the seats and moved me. Nothing. The ride just started! YEA! I conquered it!

Here is the ride. I sat to the very far left. That felt so good!

I also ran my third 5K while in UT. It was special since I ran it with my three sister-in-laws:

Lindsay, Carrie, and Gina. It ended up being a really hard race to run! The day before Lindsay and I did an 8 mile run (my longest at that point) so my legs were beat. The race was also at Sugarhouse Park, and there are some hills!

But it was worth the hard run when I saw my boys rooting me on! They have never all been waiting for me at the end before! Slade ran out and followed me in. It also felt good to beat the girl that I had been behind the whole time!

I had another NSV (Non Scale Victory) on the lake. My brother Brad has a boat that he took us out on. We have been out before and they have one big life jacket that I could squeeze into to ride on the tube. But I have NEVER even thought about trying to get up on a boogie board, or water ski's or anything like that. Nor did anyone else suggest it, knowing it was not possible at my before weight. This time, Brad had a new toy that went along with his new boat...a surf board. He not only encouraged me to try it, but I fit in the regular life jacket that everyone else wears! AND....I did get up on the surf board and had some nice long rides! It was SO fun! It felt great to be able to do something new!

Here is an action shot!

So, after that we came home, and I did what I was hoping I could still do. I got back on track. I weighed in, saw the weight gain, and kept going. I got my tracker out and got back to keeping my points and getting my water.

Fast forward 2 weeks: Another trip to UT.

I took Lukas and Slade down to stay at my parents new house in Eden and go to a family reunion. Nick had to work this time, so he stayed home with the dog. I had the same kind of game plan going into this trip. I figured I wouldn't keep track of points while I was there (I should, but knew I probably wouldn't. I did take the tracker, and started, but didn't keep it up). By the second day I was eating pretty freely. It was mostly all with my family. We did have some snacks in our room that we had brought on the airplane. One was one of my old weaknesses that I didn't know would still be such a weakness. Fig Newtons. I did eat most of them in my room, not up there hiding out, but while I was getting ready in the morning or at night. And I have another weakness I have found. It is so boring...but it has gotten me. While in UT the first time, we had some plain old, regular M&Ms. They taste like heaven to me. I don't know why. I have never been a huge fan before. But I did have some of those while in UT the second time too.

To give a little background, my parents just moved this summer from Buffalo, NY to Eden, UT. Eden is so beautiful! They are situated in the most amazing mountains, by the lake, with horses and cows all around. It's breathtaking. It's a runner's paradise! I had two good runs, and decided to go on a longer one the last morning I was there. I measured a 6 mile route. When I got to my turnaround point, I saw a trail and couldn't help but take it and see where it went. Oh it was beautiful! It was the most enjoyable run I have ever had, and it ended up being 10 miles instead of 6!

I tell you this because as I ran, I went over all the eating related things that had been taking place the last few weeks. I realized that this summer I have really just been gaining and losing around the same 5 lbs. I also realized that I am okay with that! I have been doing a lot things, our schedule (even at home) has been hectic with sports, jobs, yard work, and trying to do fun things all the time while the weather is nice. But, even though I am okay with basically maintaining my weight, that doesn't it make it easy to work out all the emotions and thoughts I have had during this time. You know when you are going through a trial --- a trial in any part of your life --- and you know you are struggling and it's hard, but you also know it's a learning experience and you'll be stronger for it. That is what this summer, especially the last month, has been like for me. I still feel like I am in the middle of it!

It really is hard for me to vocalize all the things I have been thinking about. It's not hard because it's too private to share -- it's hard because I don't know how to write the train of thoughts that my brain goes on. It's a wild ride in my head! There are many of you reading this who do not have food struggles. You are thinking, "What is there to think about? What is there to learn" Even if you don't struggle with food, you struggle with something. We all do.

I am just going to put down some of my random 'trains of thought' because I need to get them out of my head!

*As I ran the 10 mile run I realized that even though I have not been eating as I should be, I am still a different person than I was last year. I was out running. I was running on my vacation. I was running on my vacation because I like to go running. I was not running out of guilt trying to burn extra calories. I was not running because I was scared of the weigh-in I would have when I got home. I was running because I have found something I enjoy. It's another way to push myself and challenge myself. If does help in weight loss. I have to exercise. But running is more than just trying to burn extra calories and lose weight. I am really changing me!

*Even though I know I am changing from the inside, there are those times I feel or see a glimpse of the old Karly's habits. That scares me. That scares me to death. It make me feel vulnerable again and like I still have so much to learn. It makes me realize that that 'old me monster' will never be gone. What if I let go and gained it all back? I can't ever let that happen. I mean, I am coming to understand that there will be gains here and there. The thought of gaining 20 lbs back feels like the end of the world...but I know I can jump on that and get it back down. I can never let the 100 + come back. Never. It's scary to know how vigilant I have to be to keep this off. But then I run a race, or surf behind the boat, or go on kids rides with my boys...and I know it's worth it. It's what I want and I won't go back!

*I am allowed a lot less food than when I started. I lose a point of food for every 10 lbs of weight I lose. I started at 38 points and now I can eat 25. There are ways to earn more but I try to not use those on a regular basis. But this last month or so, I am so munchy ALL the time! I feel those craving for sugar again. I don't feel satisfied like I used to. I am trying to learn how to satisfy while staying on plan. This is a huge part of my struggle this summer. I hate feeling like I always want to eat! It has led to more bites, licks and tastes! Those all add up and can slow weight loss and even cause weight gain! I have to remind myself that it's all part of the long-term plan to keep off the weight and being healthy. It's a lot to learn.

*There is such a fine line between expecting perfection from yourself, and understanding you are human. This applies to all us in every aspect of lives! For food and I, it's something that is hard for me. I am very black and white. Fire and ice. It's right or wrong. But that is not how this works. I have to expect myself to do good, but at the same time be understanding when it's not exactly like I wanted....even when I really blow it! Does that make sense?

When I came home from UT the second time, I continued in my vacation mode. It's the first time I have done that in the last year. It felt scary to not be able to follow the plan just how I wanted to. Then my food journal ran out, the school year is starting again, and I am almost at my 1 year anniversary with WW. It was the perfect 're-charge' time. I did go weight in but felt so awful and knew I had gained alot. (That morning I even put on my before pants just to make sure they didn't fit again!) I used my 'no weigh' pass. They had me get on the scale so I could see where I was, but they didn't look and didn't record it. Let me tell you, it was bad. But it kicked me in the rear and I am back on plan.

I still feel like I am learning right now how to make this work in the everyday world for the rest of my life. I still feel scared and uncertain at times. But I know I won't quit no matter how bad I feel. I just reminds me I felt a LOT worse when I started!

Thanks for listening to me ramble! I needed to clear my head. You guys really have no idea how much support you give me when you read this and cheer me on! Thank you!