A Smoldering Fire

Still no strong passion or motivating drive.

But, I have decided that's okay. Maybe that is not what I need right now. I know that I am either fire or ice. I am 1) on FIRE. Doing perfect -OR- 2) ICE. Doing completely terrible.

What I need to be is : a smoldering fire

I need a nice slow burn because I need this flame to last a long time.

So I am just doing it, working to make it habit right now. Don't they say "Fake it 'til you make it!" I am really eating good (I am not faking that) but I am just going through the motions and doing the things I know will lead to success, hoping that the 'flame' will keep burning and it will come to feel more natural again.

This fight, this struggle is more than just a struggle about weight. It is one of my biggest trials in life. If you don't have a weight problem, you won't understand how that can be. But I know that Satan uses my insecurities about my weight against me. Satan knows that if I am eating terribly and gaining weight that I will not be happy. I will be grouchier, have terrible self talk to myself, judge others more harshly, let other good habits go down the tube, feel that losing this much weight is an unattainable goal, that it's hopeless, I am worthless and not worthy of trying. He knows I don't want to get pregnant until I have lost some of this weight, and the last thing Satan wants is for another little spirit to be born into the Covenant.

Hopelessness is from Satan. Hope if from our Heavenly Father.

That is why I have to remember that even though I don't weight what I want to weigh, I do have all the other things I do want. I have a wonderful husband that I am sealed to. I have two wonderful boys. I come from a wonderful family and have wonderful in-laws. I have the gospel in my life. Nick has reminded me that I have everything to smile about, and he is right, I have every reason to feel hope. I must not let one trial in my life block out all the other good there is.

I can be happy WHILE losing weight, not just when I am DONE losing weight. I need to focus on being happy and remembering all the blessing I do have. Yes, I have a trial. But I have been blessed with so much!

My Current Plan:

I say 'current' because I have also come to realize I don't have to be so black and white. I did Weight Watchers for a long time and believe in that program --- it does work. Then I learned about South Beach and that was appealing --- it works too. But there is not one perfect way to lose weight. It's about what works for you and what you will do. So I am combining them right now. I am counting my points for Weight Watchers ( not going to meetings, I have all the stuff) but also following the SB rules. If I have starch, it is whole wheat. I am still focusing on salads, lean meats, low fat dairy, some fruit, and things that are sugar free. This is what is working right now. I may go strictly SB again sometime. I will keep changing it up if I have to.

I have also gotten the elliptical machine out again. I exercised 3 times last week. My goal is to exercise 4 days this week. I did it today and it felt good.

I have not weighed for a week or so. I don't know when I will. It seems to distract me and right now I just want to focus on getting into better habits again.

And of course I am focusing on having HOPE...Being HAPPY...WHILE working on losing weight. I know there will still be bad days, I will get discouraged, and feel like I can't do it. That's life. But EVERYTHING seems more doable when you are smiling, happy and hopeful!

(Will someone remind me of this post when I've had a bad day!)