A Hard Lesson

I was out of town last weekend and did not get a post done! I thought about skipping the report from that week, but it is an important one with lots of lessons I need to record for myself!

So let's not beat around the bush. I did NOT get to 100 lbs this week. In fact, I had my first gain.

Loss this week: +1 lbs

Total Lost: -96.8 lbs

# lbs to 100: 3.2 (as of 3/18)

I'm not going to lie....that was rough to see. Not only was it my first time to gain, but it came on the week I was hoping to reach 100 lbs. I acted like it was fine and went and sat down to stay for the meeting. Truthfully, I was fighting back tears and trying to look occupied so nobody would talk to me.

I got home and Nick was there waiting to see how I did. I broke down in tears. I mean, I cried on Nick for 20 - 30 minutes as if my best friend had died! You have to know that I understand gaining 1 lb is NOT the end of the world...I understand that in my logical mind, but at the moment I didn't understand that in my heart. In that moment when I saw I gained 1 lb, the other 96.8 lbs I had lost disappeared. It felt like I had accomplished NOTHING.

But as I sat and cried and talked about it I knew I was not just crying over 1 lb. There was just so much pressure built up on me from losing for 27 straight weeks, and being so close to 100 lbs -- and then gaining. I was releasing all of that stress, and pressure, and worry, and expectation. Nobody had put all of these feelings on me but myself. It just happened. I did not set out to lose 27 weeks in a row. Nobody would ever make that goal! But as it did happen, the pressure to keep losing kept getting stronger!

Then there is that 100 lb milestone right in front of me! 2.2 lbs away and I would be there. That week I did what I have tried so hard not to do. I completely focused on the number on the scale. I would stand over my tracker (where I record my food) and agonize over what good food to eat. I was only thinking of choices that would help me lose weight, but I was over analyzing every little thing. At work I was so focused on getting extra stairs in. I even had a message on my cell phone banner telling me how far it was to 100lbs! The day before I weighed in I didn't even get my Diet Mountain Dew that I have every day (I get one Saturday night and save it for Sunday! I know I'm a nerd!) I just stressed myself out so much trying to be sure I lost enough to hit 100 lbs. I didn't do anything 'wrong' that would make me gain weight...I was just focused on the wrong things and over stressed!!!

And it backfired. My body said "No way. This is not how we work!"

So the tears started to slow as I talked it out with Nick --

--- By the way, I have the most AMAZING husband who didn't say one time that I was being silly or overreacting. He hugged me and let me cry and helped me talk it out! Thanks Babe! I LOVE YOU! I am so lucky to have my Nick ! ---

I brought myself back to reality that I didn't look different from gaining 1 lb. I of course have still accomplished alot losing 96.8 lbs. This was a good lesson for me that I knew I would have and that I know I needed. I mean, it is ridiculous to think I will never gain any weight...I never did think that, but it's hard to remember that when it slaps you in the face! Even when I am at my goal weight, maintaining my loss, I will not stay on the same number every week! This is a part of weight loss and eventually maintenance that I have to learn to handle and learn from. The old WW saying, "Feedback not Failure" is exactly what has happened here.

So I processed all of this, and got ready for the next week. I changed my cell phone banner to say, "Just the next 5lbs" I stopped over analyzing every little 'good food' I was eating. I made good choices while in Utah to keep me on track. I kept drinking my water and got my exercise that week. This was a hard lesson, but a very valuable one. I know I will keep moving forward, but it's okay if it's not forward EVERY week. If I keep making good choices I will reach my next goal, and eventually my final goal!

I weighed in again this last Thursday (3/25). You'll have to wait for the next post to see how the week after the gain went...