I Can Choose

It is midnight.  I am sitting in the dark.  The only light is coming from the Christmas tree and the lights on the nativity.  I need to go to bed.  I want to go to bed.  But something is driving me to at least start a post right now. 

I have not written in a very long time.  My last post was the end of June.  It was a day or so before I found out I was pregnant.  You can't go to Weight Watchers when you are pregnant.  So I stopped my membership and worked to continue doing good to minimize the weight gain.  I kept the low impact exercise going and was pretty good with my eating.  There was nothing to blog about really and I was preoccupied so I let this blog sit empty.  At my 14 week appointment I think I was up only about a pound. 

Most of you know that this story does not have a happy ending.  We found out the baby no longer had a heartbeat on October 5th.  I was 18 weeks.  As you can imagine that has been a very hard trial to go through.  Unfortunately, I did not turn to salad and exercise for comfort.  I just ate whatever I wanted.  I didn't care about the consequences at that time.  I just wanted to feed the sadness.  I did that for a few weeks.  Then around November I knew I had to regain control and keep going with my life.  I went back to Weight Watchers.  I started exercising again.  But here we are in December and I am really struggling still. 
 
I have NOT mentally been focused like I need to be.  Part of the problem is that I feel 'dogpiled' on.  Now, I have to insert a disclaimer.  Because I know when I type this that my trials seem like nothing to some other people.  I know others have much more devastating and difficult trials.  I know I am blessed and thankful for all that I have.  But in my little sphere of this life my difficulties are difficult for me.  They feel overwhelming and impossible for me in the world that I know.  By 'dogpile' I mean there are several areas that are really hard right now and it feels like more keep coming.  There is the obvious lifelong weight problem, then losing the baby, the constant financial stress of an extra house in UT,  and now I am having some issues with my health.  My asthma got really bad and we have found I have some auto-immune syndromes that can be dangerous if not treated.  We are still in the 'doing a million tests' phase to get a final diagnosis.  I am going to about three different Dr.'s and test a week.  But they do know that I will be on prednisone steroids for the rest of my life.

So in my mind I suddenly feel hopeless.  I feel like it's a battle I can't fight anymore.  I just suddenly got  S O  t i r e d.  Tired of it being on my mind EVERY second.  Tired of the constant fight to make a right choice EVERY time a choice was before me.  Tired of the constant negative feelings about myself.  You have to understand that Satan uses my struggle with food to pull me down in other areas of my life.  When my eating is not in control, the rest of my life feels out of control too.  Satan knows that and takes advantage of it.  I just feel like I am looking up a hill that is just too big to climb.  I can't see over it.  All I see is a lifelong struggle....no FIGHT with my weight.  Then I feel a hard trial placed on me that is driving me to do the thing I have done all my life....eat for comfort.  Then I feel medical conditions and medicines I will always be on that my Dr. tells me is only going to make this fight harder.  All of these things feel so heavy.  They feel so heavy that they make the other everyday things that I can normally handle feel like too much now.  All the normal tasks to keep a house running, my church calling, and now the Holidays. 

But there is the other side of my head that is paralyzed with fear of what happens when I am too tired and really just give up.  I am so scared of what the outcome will be if I don't get this under control again.  I am so scared I can't even act right now.

48 Hours Later......

Now it is 10:24pm.  I am sitting in the dark.  The only light is from the Christmas tree and the Nativity.  I just reread what I wrote two days ago.  I needed to express all that.  I still feel all those things.  But..I have had 48 more hours to think about how I am feeling.  All of the trials I am facing right now are out of my control.  I can't control that we lost a baby.  And even though we have gone through the grieving process and are living our life, there is still sadness.  I still think that this week I would have been 26 weeks.  I have good friends with tiny newborns that I am so happy for, but it's still hard when I hold them.  I have relatives and friends that are pregnant and I am so happy for them, but it's still hard to talk about it with them when I should still be pregnant too.  There are just times something will trigger it and there are tears.  That will happen for a while.  It will be the hardest until March when we would have had it.  But I can't go on an eating binge every time I am hurting.  I can't help that I have asthma and other auto-immune problems.  It is out of my control.  I have to just work with the Dr.'s to get an accurate diagnosis so we can treat it properly.  I can't help that the lady that was in our home went psycho and decided to be dishonest and deceitful.  I can't change others actions. 

But I can decide what to eat.  My weight is the only trial that I actually have the power to change.  It doesn't feel like I have the power right now.  I feel powerless.  But in that little part of my brain that I can still think with some logic, I know that I can change it. 

But will I?

I will. 

I have to.

I will NOT go back to this:

I have gained back some weight.  I feel like this picture but I am not this picture again..yet.  If I keep going like I am, I will be.  That is why I am committing to this blog again.  I need this blog to put all the positive and negative thoughts and feelings down so they don't just fester in my head.  I need the support all of you give to me!

So I need a game plan.  At Weight Watchers that is called your Winning Outcome.  You are supposed to state what you want to accomplish in a positive way with specific steps you can take to achieve it.  Here it goes:

I will stay on the Weight Watchers Plan no matter the Situation or Emotion I am Feeling. 

I will do this by:

-Attending my WW meeting every week

-Tracking my food every day

-Getting my exercise 4-5 days a week

-Drinking my water every day

-Not having any "stinkin thinkin"

-Remember that there are no off limits food.  There are just choices to make as you budget your food points.  BITE IT AND WRITE IT and you are still on plan.

-Anchoring: when I'm having a tough moment I touch an object that can remind me of my goals.  My Anchor is my wedding ring.  I always have it on.  When I touch it it reminds me of my family and that I want to be healthy for them and I want to be healthy so we can have another baby.

-Blog every day what I ate - I think to myself why do that to yourself.  I am already busy.  But I need to take that time for me to focus on my weight journey and keep myself focused on it.  I have to take that time for me.  At least for now I need to check in quickly every day and report what I tracked for my food.  Right now one of my biggest hurdles is that I wake up determined to do good.  Then something triggers an absolute amnesia that I am working to eat good and I lose all sight of my goals as the bad food choice goes in my mouth.  If I know I have to write what I eat on this blog...it should help to eliminate that amnesia.   

-Read my scriptures every day.  I have to use every tool to keep Satan from being able to influence me.  Food is how he hurts me and brings me down.  With this Winning Outcome and the help of better scripture study, I can be in a better state of mind.

 I know from the countless other times I have felt like I feel right now, that after just a couple days on plan I will feel so much better both physically and mentally.  I already feel more in control just having a plan written out.  I know someone who is reading this feels like I do.  Get out the paper and write your own Winning Outcome. You can do this too. 

As I reread this post I am reminded what a little time can do.  Usually those feelings of total hopelessness don't last too long.  After 48 hours of thinking about all of this I am in a much better mental state than I was.  I need to remember that the next time those feeling seem overwhelming.  I know there will be a next time.  There always is!

I'll be back tomorrow with a report of the day!  Goodnight!