Okay...so it has been SO long since I have written on this blog that I don't even know where to start or what to say! I just have jumbled up thoughts that I have had over the last few weeks. I guess I will just start sorting through them as I write. Bear with me...
The Christmas plan. Well, it was a plan. It was a plan that I tried to follow...at first. Then, as the days went by I just became more and more 'unaware' of what I was eating. Or, aware of it, but I was just aware that it was going in my mouth...and did not try to stop it. I just ate what I wanted, when I wanted, even when I could have made a good choice. I really did not feel bad about it. I still knew that I would keep on going and be okay. Then Nick left on the 28th, and I thought "I should get back on track." But, my family was still here and we were still having dinners and there were still left overs so I... continued to be 'off the wagon' for another week.
Let's ANALYZE: How did I feel while eating free willy nilly for 2 weeks?
- I won't lie...it is fun to do, especially at first
- Then there were the craving that started up again, "When can I get my next snack?'
- Then my pants started to feel tighter
- Then I had less energy
- I was tired when I should not have been...after the sugar drop (which leads to MORE SUGAR)
- Then I started to be harder on myself and started having negative self talk "You do look so terrible. 25 pounds is nothing...you have so far to go you will never look better."
- Then I felt worse about myself, more negative talk, which made me eat more food
- When we went shopping in Park City I was beside myself with self-loathing (Cinda picked up on it, dang it, and told me that I was starting to be sad). It was horrible walking around in stores with the most beautiful clothes...and none of them would fit me. And then mirrors to keep reminding me! I felt like a rhinoceros in a china store...HUGE and about to knock everything over.
- As I felt like that in Park City there were 2 trains of thought: Evil (for lack of a better word) Karly wanted to eat like crazy to make herself feel better and comfort herself. Then there was Kind Karly (who really could barely get a thought in past Evil Karly) who said she was working on it (well before Christmas and she would get back on it) and that if she went and stuffed her face she would only be hurting herself and getting her farther from her goal. Thankfully I was surrounded by family and could not head off looking for the kill.
- My pants felt even tighter
- Now, on Monday, the day to get it back together, a thought did cross my mind,"Maybe I will get back on it tomorrow!" "NO!" I screamed to myself...if you do that, tomorrow will NEVER come! You know that. Don't do it!
CHOICE: To live ON the Beach or stay OFF the Beach...and WHEN to get back on?
I hope you know what I chose! I hope you all have at least a little bit of faith in me...as I am trying to have in myself again!
LIFE ON THE BEACH...TODAY!
Yes, I have started again TODAY! As fun as it is to eat 'freely' for a while, I don't want to feel like I have been anymore. I want to have more energy again, I want to be kinder to myself again, I want to be moving toward my goal and feeling positive that YES I can do this. I did re-read my first entry of this blog a few weeks ago to help remind me why this journey is different. One reason it's different is that it is a journey, a long journey that I am on while still living a full life. It will not always be perfect in my choices, there will be setbacks, there will be disappointments, but there is always the choice of what to do NEXT. One bad choice, or two weeks worth of bad choices, does NOT have to lead to two more weeks of bad choices. Every time I eat I decide which direction I want to go....literally, UP or DOWN.
So, I did weigh today, and I am UP, but I am NOT going to tell you how much I gained (does that give it away that it was alot?) I know that is not really fair when I am trying to be upbeat and honest. But, I just can't bear that much of myself today. Please forgive me.
THE PLAN:
I started Phase 1 today. I am going to do 1 week for sure, then I will see where I am and I may do a second week on Phase 1. I will decide next Monday. I need to do Phase 1 to rid my body of all the sugar and carbs and get my blood sugar back on track. It will also give me a boost in losing quicker to get me back where I was. Not only will I start feeling better faster, it will give me the confidence I need to move forward on Phase 2. I need that 'buffer' of time again so that there are no more thoughts of "maybe tomorrow".
WHAT ABOUT THE 14 LBS IN 7 WEEKS GOAL:
I worked hard on that...until Christmas. I am going to advise myself, to let that goal fall by the wayside, and just focus on being on Phase 1. I know myself, and to continue to look at that number as the goal right now, while focusing on just being back on the plan, will be TOO much for me right now. Sometimes we just have to declare defeat in a certain battle, but I am still working to win the war!
CURRENT GOAL:
Follow Phase 1, without variation, for 1 full week.
Quote of the day:
It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up.
Vince Lombardi
That is what I am doing...getting back up. I will be faithful again in keeping up with my blog. It may not be every day, but it will be several times a week! It really helps me remember my goals and keeps me focused!
I know I can do this and give 'Kind Karly' a voice once again!
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